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Help! with grammar? - Estefania - 04-08-2014 09:17 PM
Hi! I need help checking for spelling and grammar in this paragraph. Also, this is for a research paper, i was going to use it as attention getter. Is it OK to do so? Thank youuu!
)One…two…three…one...two…three…I counted slowly and repeatedly in my head as I carefully washed my hands. The counting was second nature, it was a part of me. I returned to the waiting area where I pressed my body on a bench where the smell of incense penetrated the wood. As I waited for my parent’s to finish their monthly visit with the church psychologist, I could not help but think about the magazines my sister brought home for me. Big bold letters that read, “ANIEXTY,†“OCD,†with pictures of distressed individual’s underneath. Abruptly, my parents swung the door upon and called me in, they left the room and I was suddenly in questioning with the psychologist. He asked a series of questions on my counting habits. Eventually, tears ran down my cheeks like sprinkled holy water. The psychologist slowly got up hugged me and said a prayer that would break me. As time passed I slowly lost the counting but only in fear of being different. When I was six religion and social media was not the right approach for my obsession, because I did not understand neither one, and their influence was not significant. However, as I grew older and I understood my faith I realized the importance of those tears that made me feel human, unlike the indifference I felt from the magazines.
- Mircat - 04-08-2014 09:19 PM
As I waited for my parents (no apostrophe) ....
tears do not run down cheeks like sprinkled holy water. Very bad analogy. Find something else.
Why would a prayer be meant to "break" you? What does that mean? If I'm the reader, I have no clue what you are trying to convey. Use a different word or explain it.
As time passed, (insert comma) I slowly...
When I was six, (insert comma) religion and social......
for my obsession because (remove the comma after obsession)
I did not understand either one (replace the word neither with either)...
- Jakob - 04-08-2014 09:23 PM
Here's a fixed version of it:
"One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three", I counted slowly and repeatedly in my head as I carefully cleansed my hands. The counting was - at this point - second nature to me; it was part of me.
I returned to the waiting area where I lowered my body onto a bench. I could feel the strong scent of incense, burned into the wood. As I waited for my parents to finish their monthly visit to the church psychologist, I couldn't help but think about the magazines that my sister had brought for me. Big bold letters read 'ANXIETY' and "OCD" with pictures of individuals in complete distress. Abruptly, my parents swung the door open and called for me to join them. After a moment I found myself being questioned by the psychologist. He asked a long series of questions about my habits of counting. Eventually, tears ran down my cheeks, like sprinkled holy water. The man slowly got out of his seat, hugged me and said a prayer that would break me. (I don't understand this sentence - "break me"? What?)
As the time dragged on I lost count since I was starting to fear being different. When I was six years old, religion and social media was not the right approach for my obsession. This was due to the fact that I understood neither and hence they never had a significant influence. As I grew older, however, I started to understand my faith and I suddenly realized the importance of those tears. They were the things that made me human, unlike the indifferent emptiness of the magazines' pages.
You've done a good job in general, except for a few problems such as incorrect sentence structure and usage of punctuation. Otherwise, it's fine. I'm curious as to what sort of research paper this is, though. If it's a scientific one, I would never use this as most scientists would consider it rambling religious superstition and quite frankly delusion. In a philosophical sense - it's better. I love the part about your tears making you human and the subtle suggestions of the magazines.
But be careful who you give it to, I would object to your religious, totalitarian undertones. The fact that your story seems based on the idea that the christian God is the one, true God. If I was your employer, I would see you as close-minded. That's just me being blunt though - great paper.