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+--- Thread: Is it wrong to do a random social media and mobile device check on my teenagers? (/thread-66010.html)
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Is it wrong to do a random social media and mobile device check on my teenagers? - The - 02-28-2013 06:35 PM
I have two teenage girls 13 & 15. I was thinking of doing a quick random "look though" on their social media sites and on their phone. I don't want to an in depth search. I just want to make sure they are behaving themselves accordingly. All of a sudden they are getting very sneaky and private, which is not like them. They are very close. My 15yr old had her social media taken away last year because of plans we found out she was making on FB Chat. I would have them log in and just take a quick scroll. I mean if they are doing what is expected of them then there shouldn't be anything to worry about. Kids these days have so many options with communicating with the outside world, they can tell me one thing and totally be doing another. I know that they are scared of their dad because he is more strict than me. I don't put it past them that they will twist things or tell half truths to go out and do things or go places with their friends that we would not approve of.
I did have them add me as a friend on FB, but I have noticed that I don't see a lot of posts from them, but I know they are always on FB. When I looked they have the custom setting on controlling who can see their posts.
Lark - if they are hiding things on a PUBLIC website, what makes you think that they would tell me the truth if I just "asked a lot of question". I ask questions all the time, I talk to my girls ALL the time. We have talked about sex and my 15yr old says she is abstinent, however, I found a few "sexy pics" of her. Why is she trying to "advertise" the goods if she is not thinking about giving them away. Her father and I have talked to her PLENTY of times about how she portrays herself....if you display sex, then sex is on your mind.
- Baby.t - 02-28-2013 06:40 PM
I don't think thatss wrong . If they are living in your household & you're paying the bills for their interent , then you have every right .. If they have a problem with it , explain you only want what's best & etc ; if you have done this before then what would be the problem now
- ashley - 02-28-2013 06:48 PM
I don't view it as wrong, I view it as necessary. Once my daughter is old enough to get into these kinds of things, I will make it very clear from the start that I will always have access to what she is doing online, but I won't check unless she gives me reason to. As you said, they are being very sneaky and private. It could be teenage rebellion, but it might also be something that they are trying to hide because they think you won't approve. There is no harm in finding out what it is, should that be the case.
- Cassy - 02-28-2013 06:52 PM
No not at all! in fact i think it is necessary with teens these days.
I have told my children once they reach the age of 14 they are allowed to have a FB account on the condition that i or their father can look at the page every once in a while (on random) to see if they are behaving.
I understand that kids need their privacy but you also have to check and make sure they are not getting in to trouble as well. What if they were posting mean things on someones account and you never checked so you could never stop it and that person killed themselves because of all the harassing (it has happened before). What if they were planing on meeting a guy at a local place and you never checked, and they went to that place and found a older gentlemen who kidnapped them.
There are so many bad thing that could happen to kids. I say you are well in your rights to do a quick check. Like you said if they were not hiding anything than there is nothing to worry about!
- kandise - 02-28-2013 07:01 PM
Not wrong at all, what is wrong is the parents not doing this and youre so right if theyre are being good girls they shouldnt have an issue with it. Go for it its for the safety of your babies your life your loves if they are doing something "wrong" do not freak out talk to them one on one friendly if they feel like youre not so mad they'll tall you more just say ohh whats this in a haha voice than say I love u kid please do the right things hug them and let it go (: unless its them smoking crack or something sooo soo harmful sex ect. If it is sex birthcontrol might work if its smoking weed kind of tey to be easy goodluck and.Godbless
- amsam - 02-28-2013 07:11 PM
You're the parent. It's your call. You have every right to monitor their actions on the computer or phone. especially if they've given you reason to question their judgment in the past.
edit- just because she posts sexy pics of herself doesn't mean she's trying to advertise... it's a reflection of the culture we live in (unfortunately). Do you want her to know that it's inappropriate? Probably. That takes both awareness, which is what you're doing by monitoring the things she does as well as having an honest conversation about the importance of her being valued as a good human being who has lots of things going for her besides a nice pair of boobs. I might also look at the messages in the home. What examples of a healthy relationship do you and your husband model? What's her relationship like with her father... those kinds of things. No blame - just increase your awareness overall.
- cathrl69 - 02-28-2013 07:13 PM
I'd have been doing rather more regular checks on a child who'd already been discovered making plans she wasn't supposed to.
We require that my kids have their dad as a "friend" on Facebook. They've GOT to learn that if they would be embarrassed to have adults find out about it, they shouldn't be putting it online at all. Unfortunate posts or photos on facebook can have serious consequences when it comes to, say, job applications.
"When I looked they have the custom setting on controlling who can see their posts."
Then you tell them they are to set it so you can see the posts, or no more Facebook account.
"if you display sex, then sex is on your mind."
Not necessarily - she might just want to be "one of the crowd" and thinking everyone else has that style of picture too.
Depends on the picture. There's a difference between "15 year old with everything on display" and "15 year old doing the currently trendy sultry pout." I'd rather my daughter had neither, but I can live with the second one.
Edit a bit more: She's 15. Yes, sex is on her mind. Doesn't mean she's decided to be sexually active. But she will know people who are. It's important that you don't start trying to put her in a little bubble where she's only allowed to talk to other girls who haven't had sex yet. She needs to learn to function in a world where other people do daft things.
- Lark - 02-28-2013 07:22 PM
The more nosy you get, the more sneaky they will get. Rather than spying on their social media or making them open it and show you, just ask a lot of questions, be open about things and let them know you are there for them. More interference form you is only going to make them more sneaky. Give them space, but stay involved.
ETA: It's not about asking them a question one time and hoping they don't lie to you, it's about creating an environment of trust and openness with ongoing conversations, peppered with conversational style questions as the need arises. Maybe that does't or won't work for you, idk, it's just how I approach it in our family.
- Y - 02-28-2013 07:25 PM
Better to have them angry at you for prying then for you to be woken up by the police at two in the morning.
- Eibhlinn - 02-28-2013 07:27 PM
Teenagers are private and don't want their parents seeing their Facebook? What a shocker. Do YOU want your boss looking through your Facebook, phone or emails? You are not necessarily doing anything bad on it, but maybe you don't want him to see your favourite movie is Twilight.
Sneaking behind parents' backs is not new. And it's not just Facebook. Teenagers don't want their parents knowing they have a crush on a classmate. Or that they secretly write poetry. They don't want their parents knowing what they think and what they feel and what they do. And that's NORMAL and COMMON behaviour. The teenage years are when you learn to be private as you should.
Teenagers are entitled to some privacy. The question is how much.
15 year old wants to look sexy. That's also normal. She's not "advertising the goods". She's trying to feel good about her own body and her looks. Unless by "sexy" pics you mean "naked", pictures in a supermodel pose is nothing to worry about and it doesn't mean she's planning on having sex. Good grief. Do you remember NOTHING of your teenage years? Do you not remember the first time you shaved your legs? Were you planning on showing them off to your boyfriend? Did you even have a boyfriend? How about the first time you wore heels? or a low cut top? What were you doing? I know I was just trying to feel pretty when I did all these things. I wasn't trying to attract a boy or say "hey I'm ready for sex!" You've talked to her about how to portray herself, let her experiment with her image. THAT IS WHAT TEENS DO.
I think you need to back off a little. Unless there are seriously worrying things they are doing and you haven't told us about, your kids are doing nothing out of the ordinary.
Instead of trying to play bad cop, keep communication open with them. Keep talking WITH them about sex and online behaviour and all these things. WITH THEM. Not AT THEM.