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Is my poem good could it be published? - Printable Version

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Is my poem good could it be published? - Dale - 04-29-2013 02:27 AM

A poem that I wrote whilst bored at school in roughly 20 minutes.

We live in a land of prosperity.
So why on Earth is there no hope for me.
Social mobility we believe to be true.
So why on Earth is it something we cannot do?

Those who govern claim our best interests.
Reality is, they are a great big mess.
War and starvation plague our land.
As multinational companies just seek to expand.

The small in our lives, we believe to be big.
Conforming with others, so they don’t have a dig.
Today is today, and tomorrow’s tomorrow.
Why care about that, let the government, borrow, borrow!

In times of austerity, whos it to inspire thee?
Some look to God, almighty is he.
Believe, believe the religious say!
We have but seen little change, since we thought this way.

Told to believe the impossible are we.
Belief in euphoria will set you free.
But challenge your thinking, those who govern lie.
Religion used as a means of control since the beginning of time.

Those who do follow will prosper for eternity.
But why oh why is the promise given to me.
Stand up! Rebel, this is the time.
I must intervene now to make the future mine.

You ask who I am, I am the revolution.
Believing in me could lead to the solution.
Or is this hypocrisy, you have free will.
Believe what you want. Revolt. Thrill.

The media have us, all wrapped in cotton wool.
All sitting nicely, all playing the fool.
The rich and the super, hide secrets from you.
The new revolution shall help us, join force as a crew.

Speak up now, before it’s too late.
Join the revolution, make it great.
The leaders deceive us time and time again.
End it now. Make it right. Repent.
Ok, I accept it won't get published. But bare in mind, I am 17, this is the first poem that I have ever written and is a first draft which was written when I was bored, is it to a standard where there is potential? Also Again/Repent aren't meant to rhyme, it is symbolic of repenting, i.e. starting again - breaking away from the previous rhyme scheme...


- Aquarius35 - 04-29-2013 02:28 AM

Not bad, but it comes across as a series of political statements and slogans, rather than a coherent poem. Some of the rhymes (will/Thrill) are forced, others (again/Repent, lie/time) are slant rhymes without a reason for the shift.
Technically, it's poor, with the rhyme problem and the great variation in line length (again for no discernible reason).
Perhaps your skill lies in the writing of manifestos.


- Caleb - 04-29-2013 02:30 AM

It is very meaningful, but kind of tedious to read. People like reading poems that flow effortlessly.