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+--- Thread: will someone do a little edit for me please? (/thread-7914.html)
will someone do a little edit for me please? - firecat☯ - 10-13-2012 01:21 AM
The daily news is selling views
based on what's on Twitter's win/lose
Trending divas, drama drag-queens
take precedence over crime scenes,
which are covered up by edits
for which no one will take credit.
Men with righteousness can run
for office; but I think those that won
must have slowly lowered values,
law and church ploys to stall you.
New technology advances
like an army taking chances
on the chink in Her armor;
She, our country; we disarm her,
befoul her waters, mine her veins,
leave her corrupt and WE COMPLAIN
when she strikes with ice and wind.
Soon this desert will quake again.
From the OC to Dallas, Texas
the Grand Canyon, Sedona's vortex,
breaking walls in Vegas' top spots,
trip the alarms that stop mid-jackpot.
It's okay. It pays off big, for them.
That's right folks, chances are slim,
choices are few, tides rollhigh.
The moon is a tic at the back of my eye,
hanging low and orange- like during harvest,
close low and huge when it should be farthest
and smallest. and palest.
Put this on your 'fail' list.
Nobody did a damn thing
to stop it.
- Rayven53 - 10-13-2012 01:29 AM
Nuttin' to edit here, love...potent all on its vewy own!
A righteous indictment if ever I saw one! And eloquent t'boot!
- THE BANNIBAL ONE - 10-13-2012 01:29 AM
It's real good poem as usual. but this must go.
must have slowly lowered values,
law and church ploys to stall you.
It takes away from the flow and confuses.
Try 2 different lines instead.
it's a 9..telling how sad we have become.
And selfish.
- buddhamiss - 10-13-2012 01:29 AM
I did not understand this part
The moon is a tic at the back of my eye,
hanging low and orange- like during harvest,
close low and huge when it should be farthest
and smallest. and palest.
Put this on your 'fail' list.
but other than that you have done a great job.
- Yesu Ben - 10-13-2012 01:29 AM
strong message/s and well said. I've just a few suggestions incorped:
The daily news is selling views
based on Twitter's win or lose.
Trending divas, drama drag-queens
take precedence over crime scenes,
which are covered up by edits
for which no one will take credit.
Men with righteousness can run
for office; (but)those I think that won
must have slowly lowered values,
of law and church ploys to stall you.
New technology advances
like an army taking chances
on the chink (fissure or crevice ) in Her armor;
She, our country; we disarm her,
befoul her waters, mine her veins,
leave her corrupt and WE COMPLAIN
when she strikes back with ice and wind.
Soon this desert will quake again.
From the OC to Dallas, Texas
the Grand Can, Sedona's vortex,
breaking walls in Vegas' top spots,
trip alarms that stop mid-jackpot.
It's okay…pays off big, for them.
That's right folks, chances are (quite) slim,
choices are few, (and) tides roll high.
The moon’s a tic (at the) back of my eye,
hanging low - orange- like during harvest,
close low and huge when it should be farthest
and smallest. and palest.
Put this on your 'fail' list.
- tallWorld649 - 10-13-2012 01:29 AM
Yowee it's all true, why would it need editin?
I so love Sedona,,,it is a magical place.
Great write sis.
- Thomas - 10-13-2012 01:29 AM
What am I missing?
Was there some nuclear testing going on there or something? I know the first part covers it but not reading up on the news lately. Isn't this the media just out trying to make the most money they can regardless of the casualties?
Who is this an indictment against when your last two lines are
"Nobody did a dam thing to stop it."
Stop what? Could I have stopped it?
Agree see nothing needing editing per se, the talent LC in you
is obvious and want you to keep writing to express whatever
does on in that complex mind of yours, both of life experiences,
world ones and ones of the spiritual realm.
Sir Thomas de Charney
- Billy Smith - 10-13-2012 01:29 AM
i wouldn't dare edit, though i had no issues with yesu ben's. my favorite topic, well handled. good write.