How should I react when my 15 year old daughter gets bad grades?

[MommaBear]

She's got so much on her emotional plate right now that grades are the least of it. Her father has essentially said, "I don't have time for you, even though you've lived with me for a 1/3 of your life," so she's working through some pretty intense rejection issues right now, plus having moved to a new school and having to get used to new living arrangements, as well as leaving all her friends (at this age, friends are more important than air!)

1. Make sure your expectations are realistic. Some kids just aren't MEANT to make A's and B's. Some kids ARE "average". Have a meeting with her school counselor, review previous aptitude tests, and see where she falls on the curve.

2. YOU are not responsible for her grades. SHE is. Stop feeling guilty.

3. At 15, she should not get be getting much help from parents on homework, anyway. She should be well on her way towards taking care of this stuff on her own and taking responsibility for her own work. Parents can help structure time, etc., and make sure that a child has all they need in order to do the work -- but "help with homework" should NOT be an every night occurrance.

3. Make sure she is taking advantage of after-school help sessions with teachers. Our school has an after-school help period where kids can visit teachers and get assistance on homework, upcoming projects, go over things they didn't understand in class, etc. Most teachers would be delighted to help your daughter -- but she has to ask.

4. If she really is struggling with a topic, consider hiring a tutor for her. SInce she has changed schools, she may very well be deficient in some areas. A tutor does two things -- takes YOU out of the loop and removes you as a source of stress, and puts the responsbility for the work back on HER. You want to be her mom, her best cheerleader -- not yet another source of stress.

5. Tantrums are unacceptable about ANYTHING, but girls and hormones . . . *sigh*. Make it clear that you are willing to discuss anything in a calm fashion, but tantrums are cause for loss of privileges (i.e., cell phone, Facebook, etc.)

6. Once you have a reasonable idea of expectations, sit down with her and come up with an agreement: As long as she makes "C"s or better, then she will be able to enjoy reasonable freedoms. Once grades fall below an agreed level (again, make sure they are realistic), then you need to help her structure her time more until she brings them in line. Structuring her time: Setting aside a certain amount of time each evening and WEEKEND to do schoolwork -- no TV or phone, no non-academic internet use.

7. Try and determine if she knows what she wants to do after graduation. Does she WANT to go to college? If so, look up the admissions criteria for the colleges she is interested in -- point out the grades that the middle 50% of admitted students have, and see if they match her efforts. It is NOT too late -- most schools will be understanding of increased effort and improvement, especially with family issues mixed in.

8. Consider enrolling her in a smaller, private school that can give her more individual attention.

Good luck.