What are some hilarious thoughts/quotes/poems?

[Techgirl7]

"After Monday and Tuesday, even the rest of the week says W.T.F."

"Good morning, i see the assassins have failed."

"I speak 12 languages. English is my bestest."

Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn’t change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn’t want my arms to get cold…

"i wanted to kill the sexiest person alive... but suicides a crime."

tip of the day:
When you are going through airport customs and you are asked
"do you have any firearms with you?"
do not reply "what do you need?"

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

Only time can heal your broken heart,
Just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs"

Do it today, because tomorrow it might be illegal!"

""I'd take a bullet for you.
Not in the head, but in the leg or something"

i was gonna post "im so good at procrastinating!"
but i think i'll wait until tomorrow