pls help me check my English essay. And provide me some evaluations.thank you!?

[Mish]

your sentences are too short in the opening statement. I am only correcting the sentences that need correcting,... if you need me to elaborate shoot me a message

first sentence take out the mostly: School is fundamental for us to acquire knowledge and learn life skills.
take out second sentence.
School teaches us basic skills to help us prepare for our future and society.
Education provides information and knowledge to help us find a well paying job to be successful in the future.
Last sentence is good
In school, we can obtain knowledge and experience for our future employment.
The more we LEARN
Take out for instance sentence.
If I find a job in my field of study, Biology, I need to ... rest is good but take out when i was studying at school.

take out MORE in "reading more books"
Reading books can give us the opportunity to learn new subjects and information we may not know already.
computer science, he may... just like Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerman (give Facebook a name, not a company, he is a human being, but also, bill gates and zuckerman never graduated college so i do not think its is wise to use them as an example).
Students studying business may follow their professor to do research about business marketing.

In my opinion, having a large social network means we need to spend time and energy to keep business going.
Consequently, we have to...
take out: i think that is a waste of time

By studying hard, we can increase these abilities and succeed in our field of study.