Why did this have to happen?

[dan]

My name is Dan, im 17 and if have been known mope around, make constant negative comments, even in attempt to be humourous, but I hate myself. Other people may not view me in the same light but there are that do. I can't think of many things that make my attractive from my appearance to my personality. I'm just feel like I'm in the middle. Trapped in my incompence. The inability to make rational decisions at the right times. I've got so many things on my mind it keeps me up at night meaning that often buy sleeping pills to ease my discomfort and often drink to forget. I feel terrible. Always full of crap and I feel that I cannot confide in anyone. I feel that mosly everyone I meet are superficial and there are very few which their appearance matches their personality. I cannot feel connected to most people and I feel broken when I see people I know in relationships, and I evny their happiness. I find no reason to have faith in anything even myself. This may just be some sheer pessimism but I writing this as honestly as I can. It is just I have been stuck in this state for about 4 years. It may be because my whole life I am manipulated by people,bullied and overshadowed by family or have low self esteem.
I just want someone to talk to or some advice because I really feel like I'm worthless
Thanks