I feel like I am going to become depressed again...?

[Laugh]

Well in 2005 when I was in 8th grade all my friends decided to hate me and then in 2006 my grandpa died and I took it very hard and I am pretty sure it started my major depression. I was so depressed for a while I quit going to school and it was bad. I ended up going to a therapist once a week and I did not like her, basically all she did was make me feel worse by telling me my parents were going to get into trouble if I did not go to school and by basically telling me I had crappy parents. I quit going to her shortly after that. Well since then things have gotten MUCH better.

Well now in the past 2 weeks we have had 2 deaths in the family. Neither people who died were particularly close to me. But I already went to the one funeral and the other funeral is this week. I just feel like going to these funerals is starting up my depression again. The only other funeral Ive been to is my grandpas.

On top of that I am graduating this year. Yes I am super happy but I am also VERY sad about it. I know for a fact I will not see 99% of my HS friends again (including my crush). Don't even say oh just keep in contact or find them on myspace/facebook because its not that simple and either way things will never be the same. Everytime I think about graduation and how ill never see those people again I start to cry. I am not sure I am ready to be an "adult" and to grow up yet. I plan to just go to community college and get a job but I am afraid... Everything is going to be different and I am not sure I am ready for such a big change.

I don't know what to do. I just feel like crap. I try to talk to my dad about it and he just yells at me and ask me why I am upset and he just tells me how happy he was to get out of HS. I don't want to go to a theripist because its expensive (even with insurance) and I didn't like my experience last time.

I was prescribed zoloft for my anxiety but I am afraid to take it because its not approved for kids under 18 (I'm 17) and it is said it may increase suicidual thoughts in teens and young adults and I already have those thoughts and I don't want them to get worse or I don't want to do something totally stupid well on this medication. Also I do not want to depend on medication for the rest of my life if I do not have to. Again I have tired to talk to my dad about this and he just says its crap and that a medicine can't give you suicuidal thoughts...

I don't know any advice?? Thanks!!