Have you ever fought so bad with someone you really love?

[Another Crone]

Oh, sure. Love and behaviors are often quite different things. Habits can develop quickly and the power struggles that go on in EVERY marriage are an important element of behavioral lessons. Almost like we're 4 again. The great "I Want" can sometimes scream so loudly that we hear nothing else.

Part of this challenge is natural. You two only knew each other for one year before marrying. It usually take two years before a person can see through what THEY perceive a lover to be and actually get a realistic grip on who that lover really is and how they perceive themselves. We are, often, very eager to convince our lover and ourselves that they are who WE see them to be, instead of who they think they are. Common.

Marriage is a chunk of forgiving. A chunk of learning truths and dealing with them. Marriage, a successful marriage, tends to turn out adults if the partners hang in long enough to find out what a bonded partnership means. Those vows mean you WILL, not that you already have. Like almost anything else, you never have a real clue what you are getting into until you are well in already.

My husband and I also married in our mid-30's and also had enormous power struggles between us. Went on for a lot longer than one year!

Here's what we learned... works pretty good..

When you are fighting... try not to say anything that can not be forgotten/forgiven. MOST things a couple argues about mean nothing three weeks later.. the hurts can last a lifetime.

So there is a three week theory that works for me personally... if I'm not going to care about it in three weeks, then it's not important that I get my way on it now. That eliminates about 3/4's of the things to fight over right there.

If I AM going to care about it in three weeks... then when the argument gets hot, drop it for three days. Things you deeply care about are topics. Let it simmer down to a topic. And there are some important topics that come up in marriage and life. Topics it can be very important to take a stand on. If it's too hot in three days and it becomes a fight instead of a decision... If it's a lifetime choice... most of those need be thought about longer than three days.... so get the TOPIC on the table and circle a three WEEK day on the calendar for both parties to be prepared to have thought about and be ready to discuss the TOPIC again.

Yep. Fighting is a habit and a power struggle. It is okay not to win on a lot of things. Not everything. In our marriage (30 years together), there have been large blocks of time in which one or the other of us led in some ways.. the other in different ways, and we've switched repeatedly, often not even noticing it for awhile. Sometimes one person need to take the reigns, and sometimes life demands that the other do so.. whether they want to or not!

Hard to have sex with someone you feel doesn't respect you. That's a good reason not to fight with the intent to hurt... fight with the intent to NOT hurt and it will make all the difference in the world.