MTF - How do you cope - I can't handle this?

[Sammy]

Well, I'm not MtF, but I still think I can help

How do I cope?
Try to keep myself busy/find a hobby.
Try to do well in school because I have some money set aside for university but if I can get a scholarship I can use it for top surgery.
Think about how when I am financially independent, I will move to Norway or some other Scandinavian country with practically free healthcare and very high equality and LGBT (and human) rights.
Go to a support group for LGBT youth.
Exercise and try to get into a good sleep cycle (I would put a good mattress on the list of things you are saving for because it really helps). You would be amazed how much better you feel.


Things that might help for you
Look through the above list, and make your own list of things you like about your life right now. Then write a list of things you can do to improve your life right now for free (you can take things from my list if you want, I would especially recommend a support group and getting into better shape (mainly eating healthier - which is also cheaper from a farmer's market etc. - because too much high intensity exercise could make you look more masculine). After that make a list of things you want eventually (surgery, a psychologist, hormones, a boyfriend, whatever) but might be a little time or cost too much to do right now.

Then link things you can do now to things you want eventually. An example would be "I want closer friends but I don't know many people accepting of my trans* status, but if I join a support group I can meet more people like me and make friends." That was just an example, as were all these things, for all I know you could be a superstar athlete with 17 boyfriends and an extensive social network, I don't know - apply it to your own situation.

One of the main things that keeps me going is looking into the future, what I want, and how I will get it. I find schedules and lists really useful because otherwise I have a tendency to let my time slip away.


Look online, on how to save money. Get a job. If you are stuck in a dead end, minimum wage job, look for a way you can get yourself an education so you can get a better job. I thought that I would have 5 years ahead of me of slogging my ass off so I could get myself where I wanted sooner, but I found myself the happiest I have ever been in my life.


BTW - Where did you get an antidepressant without a psychiatrist? How did you get hormones as well? Also, they can't involuntarily commit you unless you are severely mentally ill so don't worry about that.

Good luck

EDIT -
But that's the point, your future isn't going to get better by itself. This may be hard to realize at first, but it is actually a positive, you need to take control. Where I live, 50% of people live rurally, you either have a lot of cattle or you have to travel hundreds of kilometers (more than 2X the size of texas with almost 6X fewer people so that is no exaggeration) to find work in the cities. In reality, if things aren't going well you need to question whether living out in the middle of nowhere is good in terms of bettering your situation. You need to have a conversation with your doctor about maybe switching the antidepressants you are on, they don't seem to be working. I'm not some rich white guy saying "anyone can make it in America," (I'm not American for starters) I'm saying that it is unfair, you got a tough hand, but no matter how hard it seems it isn't impossible. Buying hormones over the internet is dangerous, expensive and ineffective, no wonder you had such difficulties.

Honestly think about this - have you been feeling like this all the time in the past couple of weeks?
If not, then I suggest you just try to make it through today, and reassess your situation tomorrow, you seem to be in a very depressed state right now.

If you have been, then I think you should speak to a doctor as soon as possible. When I felt like you did it almost ended up with me as a suicide statistic. You need to actively treat your depression. Please do this, you deserve better than to feel this way.

Either way, hold tight mate. It will get better soon. I promise =).