How should I forgive my hypocritical family?

[William]

I went through similar. But in my situation, I ended up cutting off my relationship with them as a form of self-protection (else it would have destroyed me). A person can only take so much blame and bullying. And as you know, their denial can actually hurt more than the initial bullying. If you end up bending again for them, well it will all repeat again in the future. No? Thus... it is their actions which is forcing you away, and not anything you did.

It's really hard to forgive those who refuse to admit any error. But you don't need to forgive them per se. Just vow to yourself that you won't treat others people the way your family treats you and focus your energy in that direction. In fact, go out and do some volunteer work or something to keep your spirit vibrant and healthy. And avoid at all costs debating or trying to get them to see your point of view. Even if you right (and probably more so because you are right) they will resist and deny and blame you. So arguments become pointless. It's actually more effective to make small comments and walk away so as to not let them respond with their logical fallacy games.

By the way, learn the methods of denial. It will help greatly when dealing with future people who refuse to admit their errors. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fallacies

My answer was not great, because we both know how complex this situation is. (Well actually it's easy, but THEY make it complex.) So email me if you need someone to talk to.

You are not alone pal.

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I hope you catch this additional info I am adding...

I'd like to send you my twitter address regarding my recent workplace bullying situation. I don't want to post it here. But there might be some things in there which resonate with you. Including when I finally spoke up about it and they just blamed me to the point of firing me.

Also, over the course of 2 decades, I was able to trace the problem (which appears to be similar to yours) to one key quirk which my family has: very poor active listening skills. Even the act of explaining feelings becomes impossible if people limit you to 3 sentences before they interrupt. And poor listening skills, which includes asking you questions and taking an interest in you, results in a HUGE list of effects which are similar to the things you wrote about. I'm actually preparing a website explaining all this in detail. I'd like to send you this as well.

I'm not trying to shift the focus on me at all. I just want you to know that you are not alone. And as you get to know others who went through similar situations, it can help a lot. Because most of the answers are already within yourself, but without proper support and nurturing those answers within you will remain suppressed.

Too often you will have no choice but to interact with these people. Key is to limit your time, and to be prepared ahead of time mentally so as to not get your hopes up when you are interacting with them. Your forgiveness can manifest in your new kindness towards them but without a doubt you have to be in control of the situation in terms of when or how much interaction there is. Since people are often so dumb-downed, one trick is to view your interaction as 'volunteering'; instead of getting your hopes up you hide your true self and be the person they want you to be during the times you are with them. Listen to their babbling, gossip, finding fault with everything, assuming without facts, silly opinions based on zero research, etc If you exist on a totally different or advanced level, viewing your interaction with them as 'charity' makes it little easier to deal with. But you have to take other steps to retain and continue your own personal power and essence.

Look what Daver wrote above: "Maybe you should try giving up all the negativity? It's quite liberating!" That's the kind of denial which implies YOU are the one at fault. And notice how it avoids actually taking the time to help you. Also, it is a "straw man" response... ignoring the points you say but instead lumping it all in as "negativity". Typical black or white thinking, versus exploring all the shades of gray. Is Daver one of your relatives? lol