Why does this keep happening?

[Been There]

Yup, you're a writer all right. Very good at ait.

And a drinker too. Stop drinking so much. Stop smoking, too.
And stop falling so hard for men .. stop being desperate. Instead, take your time .. get to KNOW the guy. You don't get to know someone by what they say to you .. but by their actions. How do they treat everyone they run into ...even strangers? How do they handle irritation, annoyance, people who are rude to them, drivers who cut them off, etc? Do they blame other people or circumstances when they themselves don't come through, or when things go wrong in their life? Do they like their siblings? Their parents? And speaking of parents, just how DO their parents get along? Observe the subtle body language between his Mom and Dad when you are invited to meet the parents ... by this time you should NOT have fallen for the guy yet. You are, after all still getting to know who he is. And that requires observing him in all sorts of situations, and that takes a lot of time ... 6-12 months absolute minimum. Don't invest your heart in him until you know WHO he is inside himself.

So you lose you heart to some guy who you don't even KNOW, and when it falls through you are surprised? The majority of affairs/dating scenarios are short-term .. most of them will fail.

You would pay $100,000 to have a husband? Sweetheart, the research indicates that when we get involved with someone, it's WONDERFUL ... up to about 2 years into the marriage. At which point the honeymoon phase ends and the heady infatuation sputters out. At THIS point .. you go back to being ONLY as happy as you were BEFORE you got involved with him.
So, if you are not happy how, THIS is just how you will feel 2 years after you marry.

Something is wrong in your life, and it's not men. It's not even your job. Your drinking and smoking are the symptoms of something wrong .. and so is your desperation to have a husband.
Please stop trying too hard to be upbeat and cheerful. Don't mope and cry every time you open your mouth either .. learn to be fine with life, with your self. Learn to be better than fine. You won't find love until you do.
Time to stop running from yourself, to stop distracting yourself, to stop clouding your clarity (with alcohol) so you don't have to see yourself. Time to turn and make friends with yourself. Seek out counseling, if you need to.