Thoughts of becoming a murderer (please read thoroughly)?

[Doug]

I think i might have ocd and anxiety am 14 with 4 pets and a family i love but suffered a traumatic event where i accidently put my friends in the hospital and got suspended from school and never felt the same since. I have been more worried stressed from home schooling and sad i was a very happy and social kid but now i feel broken because the school used me as a scapegoat for their mistake i find joy but not as much anymore i used to cry all the time but now feel sort of well numb and after watching a show about killer kids i worried if i could kill my family. After a few weeks i am still worried and have disturbing thoughts about it where i stay away from sharp objects in worry that i would hurt them and would randomly have random thoughts saying "what if killed her right now?" Or "Maybe i could kill he/she" and would snap out of it and say out loud WHAT THE F**K BRAIN!!!!! I would have disturbing images too and would be creeped out by myself and even considered SUICIDE because i said to myself after a really disturbing thought i'd say "I would take my own life then hurt my family and if i tried to i would take myself out before that happens" Is this in my head or am i crazy? Im worried if i become a psycho killer.

P.S I have talked with family members about it countless times to reassure myself also they won't send me to therapy or a counceler.

P.S.S i also play violent video games like cos but dont rage out until it gets very annoying and sometimes blame my sis when i loose when we're playing together but feel bad afterwards.