I feel like I need some advice, any offers?

[i like turtles]

Recently I have been feeling kind of depressed and I'm feeling kind of bitter and resentful at times of how my life has been, I want to give you a quick overview and see what you think.

I have three siblings, we grew up really poor, I mean literally just about getting by, when I was 10 my parents divorced in a really nasty divorce that dragged my siblings and I right through the inferno, it was a tough couple of years, I spent time living with both my parents neither of whom had much money and we were in pretty bad conditions and I was really far behind in school, I just had trouble getting things to stay in my head, I tried to be intelligent and appear as if I was quite well to do but they saw right through it and I was bullied mercilessly at school, I had one friend, at school and at scouts I was just a clown, I went through this period of complete self loathing because I wanted to be part of the in crowd but also of complete contempt because I hated them.

I just about managed to get into a state college and just like high school I just scathed through the first year, I only just got enough grades to not flunk out, but that year I joined an online marketing company and was able to make an awful lot of money through digital marketing, as well as online stock trading, I assumed my second year would be better because I had money but it got really bad, I managed to get into the in crowd but it got difficult and overwhelming and round about spring break time I had a nervous breakdown and I just could not bare the situation anymore, locked myself in my apartment for a few weeks, stopped going to classes and just spent the whole time pretty much crying or sleeping (which is pathetic, I was a 20 year old man)

I have not gone back to college, instead I bought a fairly nice, but modest house in a small town about an hours drive from Hartford, Connecticut (where I was going to college) and I fixed it up and it was just on the edge of town with a large garden and it is in front of the forest so it is pretty quiet and isolated, I had the place fixed up and moved in last year.

I've pretty much been a recluse since then, on one hand I have had loads of time and I have had time to study loads of different subjects and pursue loads of obscure hobbies and I have probably read thousands of books since moving here and I have virtually no stress, I can wake up and go to sleep when I want, I can study what I want and I can just watch my films or listen to my music in peace and there is a lot of time for quiet reflection, like on the decking next to my pond, I like to just read my book there and then think quietly, I've also had time to write loads of short stories and a few novels and manuscripts and it is pretty good.

Also I have managed to perfect a few languages and I have perfected my own accent so that I do sound educated and as if I am from a white collar background I sometimes speak to people in the village and I hear them chatting about how well mannered and nice I am and how I must come from a good background and I have a lot of clothes now (unlike when I was growing up) so that is nice.

On the other hand, sometimes I just feel like a failure, I mean I am on Facebook with people from High School and College and everyone is doing great and having fun and getting relationships, I make money online, there is no elitism to my job, I don't have a relationship, I barely have any friends and the ones I do I don't see and I can't bring myself to see them, all my siblings have got successful jobs and are earning great money and going on holidays, I have been looking at holidays but the idea of planes and travelling stresses me out, as much as I want do it, and I just can't help but think how pathetic I am at times, I mean on paper I am successful but really I am not.

The thing getting me through is just enjoying the little things, like the feelings films give me or dancing to my music or going for walks, writing is a great pick me up and things that trigger the few happy emotions I have to my childhood, but really they are just painkillers not actual cures.

Can anyone offer me any advice?
I have thought about taking the going to another college, I'm only 21 but is there much point, I have no idea what I want to do.

I've also put my apartment in Hartford up for sale, although I was kind of a hipster and bought a really lousy apartment, in hipster territory, by which I mean, in a crap hole.
I have a really low tolerance for stress, back in high school it would take very little for me to just give up on work or I would be having panic attacks every week, quite often I have nightmares about being back at college or high school and being in trouble or having loads of work to do in 1 minute or being in an exam I have not practiced for.

It is always a relief waking up in my bed, with zero responsibilities.