I wish I was innocent but I'm really a bad person?

[Ellie]

My parents split up when I was 2. My father often neglects me. Since I was little he'd promise to come pick me up, and I'd sit there and look out the window waiting for him, but he'd never show. He even missed my 16 birthday that just passed. He promised to take me out to dinner, then when the time came he said he had a ''tight schedule'' and postponed to the weekend, and then the weekend came and he never showed up so I texted him and he said he has a ''bad cold'' and he'd text me later if he felt better but he never did, and we haven't talked since then.

My mom, on the other hand, is verbally and sometimes physically abusive. She has said unimaginable things to me, that I'm fat, useless, worthless, a bitch, stupid, I'll work at McDonald's when I grow up, and that if she were me she would kill myself. She's incredibly racist and homophobic as well so as a kid I grew up inwardly judging people for their skin colour but when I actually got to know them, I realized my mom is wrong. Almost all my friends are of another race, I just cannot get along with snobby, preppy, annoying white people. My mom tells me that if I get a boyfriend of another race, she'll kick me out of the house.

I've already tried reaching out for help to improve my situation at home. One day my mother hit me and left marks on my leg, so I took pictures and reported the situation to my guidance counselor. They called the Children's Aid Society and we had a social worker come once a month. Things never got better, though. In fact, they got worse because my mom was mad at me for telling on her. She claimed that I was ''looking for attention'' when really I was looking for help. Our social worker got us a family worker but she only came twice. I liked her a long, though, but they closed my case because I turned 16. Now I'm all alone. Now I'm trapped. Now my mom will continue to torture me for the rest o my life.

I was bullied really badly in the 6th grade. Now I feel inferior to everyone. I have no friends. I'm not as smart as the other kids, as out-going, as pretty, as athletic. I try to socialize with people and I feel happy that I might've made a new friend but they get bored of me in two days. I'm not good enough for anyone. And because of my parents, because I didn't have the emotional support growing up, because my mom put me down constantly, I feel emotionally damaged. I know I won't grow up to be a healthy adult. I am not even healthy right now as a teenager. My thoughts are dark, very dark. I think about suicide all the time. Or I'll watch violent, gory videos, something a normal teenage girl shouldn't be investing their time doing. I hack into people's Facebook accounts and basically invade their privacy. I reject any love and affection people try to offer me, like hugging. I can't even say ''I love you'' to someone. I can't compliment someone. And sometimes I think about killing someone. The only thing that has stopped me from brutally murdering my passed bullies is the high possibility of getting arrested.

And on top of my low-self esteem and depression, I'm a bad person. I made a fake Facebook account where I tell off people I don't like. I told off a smart girl at my school on the account for bragging about her 98% in the class when I have a low mark in mostly all my classes. She told me that she'd find out who I am and not go out of her own way to be nice to me. She couldn't ever suspect that it's me because I'm quiet, I never talk at school, but she knows it's me. For the past three months she's been giving me these weird looks and would quickly look away from me as we passed each other. I think she printed out the conversation and showed it to the authorities and they traced the account to me. That account is where I unleash all my anger and hate that's living within me. I don't want it to ruin my future. But I am a bad person. I am jealous, I am hateful, I am self-conscious. Because I'm not all high and mighty, I want to pull everyone down with me. I am a cyberbully, that's what I am. It's sad because I was once the victim of it, too.

I wish I was innocent like those girls at my school. All the smart and innocent girls stick together as a gang and study during lunch. They're on the honor roll. They'll all get far in life. They stay away from drama (so do I, but not on the Internet when I'm hiding behind the fake account), they don't have bad digital footprints like me, they are classy, confident, etc. And then there's me. A mean, vile, b*tch.