PLEASE HELP; still in love with ex boyfriend, lost my unborn baby, suicidal, depressed!?

[Lucinta]

Okay so heres the thing and this may be long but bare with me please i'll try make it shirt as possible; I need help and advice I'm litterally so depressed and the advice would help alot, from anyone.

I'm almost 18 years old and my ex boyfriend is 19 years old we first stRted datinf when I was 15 years old and we've known eachother for years! Our first relationship lasted only 5 months, he broke up with me because he couldn't deal with my childish behaviour I was 15! what did he expect... He broke up with me the night before I had to have an operation on my legs, I was so heart broken because him and I lost our virginitys to eachother and we were eachothers first relationship. I texted him for 6 months, yeah, 6 months begging for him back. I then decided to grow up and stop texting him or calling, I let him go. 3 months later he added me on Facebook we started talking and decided to meet up and we then got back together after 8 months, I was turning 17 I matured ALOT while we were broken up.

When we got back together, he said he loved me more than ever and that he couldn't get over how beautiful I was, he said he loved me more thn anyone he would tell
me everyday as I would tell him the same. he admitted he didn't love in our first relationship he just "really liked" me and I was happy he admitted it, but he said this time was different and that he was inlove with me.

We couldn't stay away from eachother, I was inlove and still am. Hw then moved in with me at my parents my parents didn't mind as we are close to him. He payed rent, ahopped for my mum and helped around the house so he wasn't using me or my family. He would cuddle me all night, kiss me, say the sweetest things to me, I was so happy! we both were! the thing is, he has a problem with weed, his a pot head and is addicted to it if he didn't have it he would turn agressive it ruined him but I stayed with him, because I love him.

After 7 months of being together, I fell pregnant at 17 I don't know how it happend because I was on birth control(Depo shot) but it happend, he wanted me to have an abortion I said "No, i'm keeping it" thats when the "fairytale" ended. We just argued all the time, nothing was the same. I then lost the baby sadly and ended up very depessed, I called my boyfriend and said I wanted to break up with him but I didn't mean to break up with him, i didn't actually want to I was just depressed and didn't know what I was saying, I wish he understood that. He then came home, crying, crying his eyes out. Holding me, telling me he loves me but he couldn't be wirh me anymore, it was roo much. I was shocked so as he was holding me both crying he got up and said "i'll call you tonight, i'll always love you beautiful and want to remain friends, I love you always" then left.

We tried to stay friends, that didn't last long. 2 weeka or maybe even a week after breaking up with me I found out he was with a 14 YEAR OLD GIRL!! We then lost all contact because i got angry and abused him and his new girlfriend over Facebook. I haven't heard from him in 3 months, his girlfriend once inboxed me trying to make me jealous talking about their sex life and my abortion saying "haha how'd your abortion go? " but I blocked her because shes an immature *****. All his family hate her shes already cheated and broken up with him twice according to his sister who is my friend. He says he loves her but deep down I know shes ******* with his emotions from what his sisters told me, shes a little sl*t(my ex's new gf)

Anyways, after everything why do I still love him and cry for him?

sorry its so long! thank you so much everyone who reads and answers
xo!