What's wrong about my writing?

[agilebrit]

I'm not sure who your point-of-view character is in this scene. I have no idea what a "creeper" is or why it deserved to be stabbed to death with a sword. You're throwing us face-first into the action (which is good), but you're not explaining anything about your world or your characters (which is bad). Do they know each other?

Your paragraphs are too short, which makes the scene seem more choppy than it should be. You're showing instead of telling--"the girl looked pissed"...how? Do her brows lower over her eyes, do her lips skin back over her teeth or tighten closed, do her fists clench in anger? HOW a character shows anger is just as important as them just being angry, especially when we're first being introduced to them. Is she the strong silent type, or does she explode with yelling?

We need the thoughts of whoever your point-of-view character is as well. Does he think he's just stumbled upon a murder and wonder if he's next? Is she thinking "Oh, GREAT, a witness, just what I didn't need tonight of all nights"? One of them should be freaking just a little, unless both of them are remarkably clear-headed for teenagers.

Also, you've got a continuity error where she sheathed the sword, but she's suddenly pointing it at his chest.

It's a good outline, but it needs fleshing out.