Peer Review my essay please?

[Ms. Worth]

I'll edit the first paragraph:

A new commercial for Diet Pepsi features Colombian actress Sofia Vergara and David Beckam, the British soccer star. As the commercial starts, Sofia is lying on a beach chair fanning herself when she sees a young woman drinking a Diet Pepsi. She is eager for one too, but the line at the vendor is too long. So she tweets a lie: “At the pier...just saw David Beckham! (Beach Tweet).” Everyone in the line rushes to the pier to see Beckham, leaving Sofia the vendor to herself. The surprise ending is that the real David Beckam now appears. He picks up his strayed soccer ball and, with comic irony, asks her, “What's going on over there?”

In this ad, Pepsi's target audience is young women. Pepsi cast only women in their 20's, healthy, fit, and sexy. Pepsi cleverly used all three appeals -- ethos, logos, and pathos -- in the commercial.

Dear Student:
The last line is a strong thesis statement -- but it is not supported. It is just announced, and then dropped -- never to be mentioned again.
> If you do not intend to develop the idea, then delete that sentence.
> If you are developing this thesis in the paragraphs that follow, then you need to improve your transition sentences so that this is clear to the reader.