Funny twitter confession help!?

[Tristan]

I go to a small school and I wanted to start a confession twitter account (it's pretty popular lately) I will post a list of something's that happen at this school. I have the topics I just need help making them funny! Thanks

We have a Hot teacher (McMahon) girl
Volleyball team (won state first team sport in school ever too)
Syd (girl) huge thighs
Every guy acts really gay
Eada (girl) and Carson (guy) make out he forced her to keep it a secret
A freshman felt a senior girl up while sleeping
Girl is a chubby chaser
Our cheerleaders are better then our boys basketball
Senior girl dating a way older guy (24)
Innocent guy fingered a girl at a concert
Volleyball team is all hot


Anyways you could make these topics into funny twitter posts and I'll love you forever! Thank you