What is wrong with me? Why am I a writer that can't stop writing and imagining? Why don't I leave my house?

[stoptryingtohurtme]

I am very exhausted by my brain. I don't know what has happened for the past few days. I was sexually abused when I was 13 and it happened again recently and I almost died from lymphoma cancer when I was 12 and I started to do drugs when I was 13. I have always been psychologically bullied by people since I was younger. I dropped out of school to write for magazines and one day out of nowhere, I couldn't stop writing poems, hearing voices in my head, remembering the past with extreme precision - images and dialogue. As that progressed, I ended up writing a book and because the book was such a painful process for me - I sent the manuscript to over 2 thousand agents and publishers and finally found a publisher. Tonight, I screamed on the top of my lungs. I usually scream into my pillow. All the characters are different versions of me, that i hear in my head. Simply: I feel like reality isn't real and I live in my own surreal world. I am always imagining things and I feel like everything is foggy/unreal. It's very hard for me. I am also NEVER conscious when I write, it all is already written for me in my head and I just watch my fingers move like I'm possessed. I am very depressed, I can't leave my bed. I don't leave the house. I am always afraid something bad is going to happen, always paranoid.. Intrusive and graphics images of violence. I'm just. I don't know. This is my lowest point. I am also VERY sensitive to information and social media, it makes me sick.
You are wrong. I sent my book out to hundreds of publishers and agents and I did get a book deal. I think I mean that it felt like thousands when I was hustling, I would not lie about that? Are you nuts? I also rewrite everything like 30 times until it is perfect, you are not very bright.
HAHA. I am not sensitive to critique, I have a fucking editor who critiques me and tells me to rewrite and I critique myself all the time. I am not even going to argue with you but yeah please hold onto the delusion that I am just some 19 year old with "grandiosity" and "aspirations". Nothing I wrote was fiction, you two are both pathetic people.