Rate My Storing Writing Skills?

[Typo]

Too long winded. (Too wordy)
Too many adverbs.
Spelling errors.
Grammar errors.
Sentences WAY to long.

You said you wanted to write with intense emotion. Read some Danielle Steel. Look at how she managed to carry very strong emotions, but manages to keep the sentences short and to the point.
It is hard for a reader to get involved in a story it they have to concentrate on the reading. the writing needs to be light and very effortless to read.