I know what I want in life but its not so attainable?

[mamianka]

I put your question on my Watchlist - and waited to see if anyone else answered first; they did not, so here I am. I also wrote other responses - and erased them. First of all, let me thank you for all the work you do with foster kids; they really need a caring person in their lives, and your own thoughts about them seeing your own struggle is noble. However - and here is where reality comes in - the chances of you ever having any professional work in music is less than slim. there are thousands upon thousands of people out there ( due to reality shows??? who knows . . ) that think that if only THEY work hard/get discovered/get on American Idol/ get viewed on YouTube/ etc., that doors will open for them. The Beatles and Spike Lee? Everybody would like to think that they have the same talent and work ethic as their heroes - but in reality, nobody does. The world is swamped now with wannabees - people who LOVE what they do, and really think that someday, their dreams will come true. Not likely. Possible - but a less than decimals of one percent. Meanwhile, use your love and your talents in any way you can - church, community groups, etc. If a professional opportunity arises, then so be it. But to focus or obsess about this happening only leads to heartache. The word "amateur" is not a bad thing - it just means that you choose to make your living in a meaningful way, and do what you do for LOVE. I occasionally have to work with other full-time *professionals* (I did not book this - I got called) who are jaded, bored, and "phoning it in" - they have long ago lost the love and zeal of live music; the roll their eyes in boredom when a new program or rehearsal schedule is passed out, or when the first rehearsal comes around. They are flawless and musical, but make what we do sound like having a root canal. When did their souls die? I just want to finish the performance, get my check, and leave - and forget about playing with them again. The BEST playing we often do is for FREE - great players that get together because we love something, do NOT get to do it for $$, and LOVE doing it so much we will drive a long way, play all day, and get home dead tired - and LOVED EVER MINUTE. I played piccolo in a blazing circus band (not WITH a circus - we had all the arrangements) - there is NOTHING harder in all the orchestral literature! - and all of us ate this up! Cannot wait to do this again!!! Best players around (former West Point, other military, retired major big bands, orchestras) - and nicest people to work with. And it COSTS me money to do it!!!

So I advise you to keep the love alive - but do NOT tie your identity to "making it". You ARE "making it" now - you are making a meaningful life, and get to do what you want on YOUR terms, when you want, for who you want. Not so bad, is it? Best wishes for your future - happiness is not always trying to reach further, but realizing that you can be happy with what you HAVE. Finish your degrees for your current profession - who knows who you will meet along the way? And - this is a little creepy - my Dad died 23 years ago - and his name was Walter. All the more reason I hear your soul talking to me.