How do I talk to the boy who took my 'virginity'?

[Fukts]

I'm going to be honest.

In June, this guy who I've only seen at school started talking to me, just over facebook. We decided to meet up eventually, and it was perfect.
He called me beautiful and cuddled with me and basically.. treated me like a human.

I guess this is a normal thing to happen to girls, but it's different for me. I guess. 
I don't trust people.. it's cliche but I don't know how else to start the explination. I was raped repeatedly from the ages of 6-10 and it was.. traumatizing I guess. I'm afraid of loud noises. I'm afraid of men. Not completely afraid, not like girls and spiders, but if a man starts to talk to me like he's upset or raised him voice, I just lose it. It's gone to the point where I just.. dissociate from reality ad curl up in a ball.

So this man, named Allan. I felt safe around him. He is literally the only man I've ever felt emotion to, let alone felt safe around. I felt like a person.. I felt ok. I've been on verious medications for a few years for depression. I started to even feel like I was coming out of that.

One day, we drove out to a river on an old road, with no one around. It was a huge field with a cute abandoned house and a river down the hill, like in a book.

He kissed me, and I kissed him back.. one thing led to another and we ended up habing sex, right there, in the back of his vehicle. I know it wasnt my virginity, but he was the first one I gave consent to and felt good doing it with.. I guess, it was the emotion of losing my virginity, not the literal first time though.

After that.. he only talked to me when he was drunk and wanted sex. I went along with him, because I wanted to feel like I was wanted, I guess.

About a month ago, he deleted me off facebook after he stopped talking to me. I approached him a few days later in person and he wouldnt talk to me, he needed to get to football practice.

I sent him a message on facebook, which ended in him denying knowing who I was. and i went along with it, and said I