Still missing him inside, feeling won't go?

[BILL]

Hi "Secret"
"Now I can't do that." Are you absolutely sure about that.

What to do?

Either (1) Understand him, forgive him and yourself, approach him humbly and sorrowfully, tell him you behaved stupidly like a child and know better now, and ask if there's any possibility of another chance with him. Tell him that you miss him and think you two could work it out. See what happens.
Or (2) Let it go. It is true that nice guy and the right guy for you, both are difficult to find, but it can be done.

Meanwhile, get a grip on your tendency to lash out. It can ruin your relationships all too quickly and easily.
At any rate, work hard on learning some sound, practical lessons from your mistakes.

Many things can trigger feelings from the past.

You miss the good things you had with him, that met or seemed to meet your needs at the time. But just be careful going ahead and deciding what to do. Figure out what will be best for you and him now.

Best wishes. (I have said a prayer for you.)
Best wishes.