I will be 28 soon and have nobody in my life. I will die before I become apathetic.?

[Canon]

Hello. I turn 28 next month.. Oddly, this marks the year that I was officially on medication for over half of my life. Bi-polar II disorder. Not bothered by its presence; it's as if we're married and those that see us can't imagine us single.

When I was a young kid, my mother and father cheated on each other, but both claimed that nothing happened. Of course, when you're little, you hardly have the ability to actually what causes such a thing, what feelings are felt inside of both parties. I just assumed they argued a lot, which was prevalent.

When I got older, I began to understand it. I never really took to emotion; not something I like dealing with. Perhaps my Aquarian nature is to blame. So, even though I had friends, I did my own thing. Doesn't bother me to eat alone at lunch, sleep in the dark, or sit in silence -- it's what I'm used to.

Eventually, my father drank himself to death. I didn't know how to feel about it at first. I just took it as normal as drinking water -- okay. Numb to what actually happened. In the aftermath, I moved back home with my mother because my father left her with a gargantuan amount of debt. My brother and sister followed -- we're all we have left.

I'm in school, studying psychology. Something I wanted to do since I was a kid. Something about the mind that is so intriguing...so mystic. It's like a mystery that I can spend a lifetime trying to solve... I want to help people deal with mental conditions without the use of drugs -- find intrinsic worth that comes freely without an insurance copay for meds that mask a problem.

On that declaration, I stopped taking my meds last February. Once the healthcare reform takes effect at my job, I won't be able to afford them anyway.

Truthfully, I have nothing that is my own in life. My GPA in college has been a 4.0 for the last 5 semesters. That used to make me happy... I took on another full-time job and told everyone that I am using the extra money to buy a house when I graduate next year. They love the idea.

However, that is not why. Verily, I am working two full-time jobs and going to school so I don't have time to think about how horrible my life is. I don't have anyone to really talk to -- and actually understand what I'm saying.

My sister doesn't care to even listen, my mother doesn't understand, and my brother just makes it worse. Even with my family, I feel like a stranger. So because of this, I have kept to myself. At least when someone asks me why I'm not married, I can say that I don't have the time.

Women are a different dynamic altogether. I've dated. Last girlfriend I had was a year and a half ago -- she called me out of the blue and said that she wasn't ready for a relationship. I just said, "Okay," and that was the end of it -- no hard feelings.

Didn't really care to date after seeing what happened to my father. You become misogynistic to a certain degree after seeing such a thing. Recently, a lady and I were speaking at work. Mutual interest was assumed judging by the level and frequency of our conversations.

She happened to see my artwork I had on Facebook and requested if I could draw her picture. I gave it some thought and did. She enjoyed the sketch, as did everyone else. Eventually, we set up a time to meet outside of work and hang out.

She flakes at first, but I eventually get her out. She had a great time -- I knew she did. Oddly, I did as well. She wanted to schedule another date to take me to an ethnic restaurant she frequents. I told her we will have to see.

I won't go out with her again. She's smart, funny, beautiful -- and that's how I want to remember her. However, when I got home, I realized how much I have missed out on in life. She reminded me that I am alone.

I am beginning to see how desolate my life really is. Somebody once told me that life is life. Life is simple. People make your life hard, but they can also make your life amazing -- better than you ever could by yourself. I'm only recognizing the former -- I have yet to experience the latter.

According to Insen, the strongest man is he who stands most alone. I used to recite this to myself to facilitate living another day. It doesn't have the effect it used to. Now, I find myself finding solace in something else. HeII is a lonely place, according to Bukowski. I think he may be right.

In truth, I don't know what it's like to have someone truly love you. I fear I have become so emotionally isolated that I can't process them contextually. This may be my last bit of concern, for apathy is very well near. Once apathy intrudes, I welcome death.