Why does it hurt so much?

[Belonging]

Hi Guys,

I am a female in her late twenties.

I understand the clue is in the word, but is it normal to hurt this much when your heartbroken?

I used to be fairly happy and thought about my future more but then I met my best friend and gradually fell for him as he claimed he did for me, however we both ended it for justified reasons,ones he prolonged and I in my inexperience and I guess naivety (though I was against admitting that) gave in. Now as a result I have somewhat become self-destructive in order to forget the memories.

I was not initially attracted to him, but we grew very close, having conversations written and face to face exploring many subjects, disagreeing but we never argued or disrespected eachother (sounds ideal but it's true) he was basically like family to me. Now I wish so badly that I didn't let my guard down and get too close initially.

He, however, seems to be doing much better, then again he is busier saying that he does think of me but it doesn't effect him as much. I am happy he isn't as hurt even if I am but feeling I was quite easy to get over despite everything makes me feel somewhat worthless & foolish (though I know it was hard for him initially as he didn't want to loose contact). I am trying to move on but I slip back in to this hurtful state when I remember something.

I am not that social, can be a little awkward at times but I try and do things to forget.

I know there is more to life and hate to sound soppy, needy or self centered, it's just a new experience for me & it feels as though I will not come out of this cycle anytime soon. It's been a while say a year and some, off and on speaking. I tell him that it's best we do not speak (parting in peace) and he's beginning to listen.

I sometimes feel as though his feelings for me were less because of the way he acts at times, then other times he acts the opposite. I understand why but it doesn't help. Especially since I have never been hurt in this way and I'm not that young so I've lived.

Nonetheless, I am confused my questions are: How do I deal with this? Is complete avoidance the best option? Please share any experiences and tips on how to get back up and move on. I cannot waste any more of my life, I know this but knowing and acting are different.

Truly appreciate you help guys.
Also I haven't spoken to anyone directly, just hinted on the side when they saw me upset for the first time. I do not have people I can trust with certain information, so please understand.