What do you think, was I supposed to keep it to myself, am I really a freak, please answer I need your help?

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I fell inlove with my bestfriend(we were bestfriends for 9 years), but I couldn't tell her, i was scared, scared that she never talks to me again, scared that she hates me, we were friends i didn't want to ruin that, i always knew she never felt the same way. Eventually i told her my feelings 4 years ago(she was also leaving school next year), but ever since i told her, she never talked to me, i never saw her or heard her voice. Every time i try to talk to her or say sorry, she completely ignores me, i tried texting her but she still doesn't reply, she sees it but she doesn't reply, she even blocked me on FB when i apologized for not telling her how i felt before. I spent 9 years of my life trying to make her as happy as possible, she meant everything to me, and now shes gone and she wont even talk to me, i feel like im nobody to her, i feel that im worthless, idk what to do, i have been trying to move on for the last 3 years but no use, every time i do, i dream about her, i feel like my heart is getting ripped off my chest, it hurts so much, im still really inlove with her(she is my first love) and i keep missing her more and more everyday, i even talked to her friends to see if shes ok but whenever they talk to her about this she ignores them too, some people said that i was a freak and should have just kept this to myself.

So what do you think, does she hate me? am i really a freak? was i really supposed to keep it to myself? if i did i wouldn't have lost my bestfriend
I really don't know what to do anymore, every time I even think about her I feel like crying, I have no one to go to, no one understands how I feel, sometimes I just wish I was dead just to end this pain, I feel worthless, just posting this question made my eyes tear, please help me, I can't get over her, what am I supposed to do