Am I in love with my friend's husband?

[Barbara]

I've been with my "husband" for 10 years. We have two toddlers together. For 8 years, I was 100% devoted and faithful. In 2010, we went through a particularly rough time. As timing would have it, a boy (now a man) I was infatuated with in grade school found me on facebook. He spoke of fate and how he had always wondered if he would ever see me again. In this tumultuous time in my marriage, I began a very unhealthy, unbalanced affair with this man from my past. It lasted for about 6 months. We slept together 4 times. Each time was slightly with less guilt. As the affair soured, my home life improved. I ended things, with the belief it was a mistake, an understandable moment of weakness, and it would never happen again. However, 6 months later, I began another affair with my recently divorced neighbor. This was less emotional, more physical. When I was younger, I got more than my share of attention from guys. As I grew into my late 20's and had children, I felt I had lost some appeal. This new, exciting door of opportunity was suddenly open to me. Sad to say, I have progressed even passed the adventurous fling with the neighbor. Now, I pine for my friend's husband. He is an amazing person. Smart, handsome, mature, responsible, supportive. He may even be a closer friend to me than she is. He is, without a doubt, the only person in my life I am 100% honest with. What I get from him is something nobody gives. We have been flirting with the idea for a few months and have perfected our "poker faces" when are doing group activities with both our families. No suspicions whatsoever. Yesterday was our first opportunity to be alone for more than 5 minutes. After discussing the heaviness of the situation for about 30 minutes, we slept together. I had imagined this many many times. It was not what I imagined. Perhaps we are too close. Perhaps, I'm growing out of this phase. Something about it was very "off" and felt wrong. A different kind of wrong than I had experienced from cheating in the past. Something similar to what I imagine sleeping with a relative would be like; a cousin maybe. The next day, we discussed our shared negative emotions at great length. Both agreed it was a mistake. We had satisfied our curiosity and now it's done. Which was, I feel, him following my lead. All night I dreamed about him. And this morning, still, despite the negativity, I want him. I'm having difficulty discerning between the thought of it just being out of habit (Am I just used to wanting him?) or do I really love him the way I think I do? Am I even capable of loving anyone anymore? I think about his arms and his chest; the way it feels when he hugs me; the look he gives me when I know he's longing for me. Please understand I do have love for him and he does for me. What specific kind of love is undetermined. Our friendship is what we most fear losing (2nd of course to the fear of hurting our families). We are important to each other. I adore him for all his qualities. The physical attraction and sexual tension confuse things. We are weak for each other, I feel. I know the comments from yahoo answers can be brutal and harsh. Just try to keep me in mind as a real person. I'm a normal, intelligent, sophisticated woman. I could be your daughter, sister, friend. I'm just like you only I've taken risks where others likely wouldn't. I love my husband dearly. It is not my intention to hurt anyone. But in many different ways, we all, as people, hurt each other. Cheating is just my sin and I am not without shame.
You're right. It is selfish. I have weighed all this out. I have been putting my needs/wants before anything else, which I intend on correcting. In the moment, I believe I can protect them from the truth, which is a lie I tell myself. He is "husband" bc we never married (not to take away from our love though). Perhaps, we both have commitment issues. He isn't innocent. Not that I blame him for my cheating, bc I certainly don't. But he has made harmful, hurtful mistakes in the relationship, also. I don't want to bash him or go into detail any further than that. I have clearly made some less than honorable decisions. This has been a very insightful experience. It has forced me to face subjects I have been avoiding. Despite the negative feedback, I have enjoyed opening up about this to random strangers. Thanks for the answers. It's helped a lot.