Looks like you win again, Anorexia. So upset with myself, I just missed a major event for this disorder.?

[Toto Mimo]

For over a year now I've been fighting the emotional and physical traumas of anorexia nervosa. I have a dietician, a clinical psychologist, a GP and other support, but being an adult man, I find it's very difficult to come to terms with.

I'm about 5'7"-5'8" (172.5cm) tall and I've now fallen below 99lb. This is probably the lowest I've ever been despite my family thinking I've actually gained weight (a phenomenon I hear is called the "anorexic bloat" where especially the face looks a touch puffy).

I have been hospitalised on and off over the course of three to four months whilst they determined my issues (I kinda was in denial) and as such, my employers were very lovely and forgiving with me, with colleagues visiting my hospital bed and HR accommodating a full phased return. None of them fully understood the real issue was this mental disorder, however.

The company itself has been hit very hard this past few months and layoffs have been rife, making me feel even more guilty for having been kept on without questioning my standing there. They recognised that it'd been traumatic for all of us, and as such, decided upon a big celebratory office Christmas party that would unite us all and raise all our spirits. Everyone was saying how incredibly excited they'd be to see me outwith the office after being away for so long and I was really anticipating how much fun I'd have.


After waiting weeks for this and talking with everyone about how great it was going to be, yesterday I returned home, got my clean, brand new ironed clothes ready to put on later, and inexplicably, freaked out at the thought of eating a meal and having drinks with everyone. I started withdrawing as I always do, adding potential calories up, and got very anxious, started crying, did 500 situps (pointlessly), and simply... avoided the party altogether (it'd be a critical break in my "routine", after all), all the while receiving texts from co-workers eagerly awaiting my return to form.

This morning I woke up to see how amazing a night everyone had on Facebook. I'm devastated at myself, I would've loved to have gone. This disorder is a demon; I avoided such an anticipated event at Christmas with people who genuinely wanted me there for something as ridiculous as a daily calorie and exercise regiment.

What do I do now? How can I talk to them? How do I break out of this? There's nothing as depressing as having this demonic presence looming over me at Christmas, my favourite time of the year. One of my messages was from perhaps my closest work acquaintance who said "we're going out for chinese buffet lunch today, maybe you could come to that instead". Clearly I would like to, I ironically adore food, but Chinese buffet to an anorexic is like taking someone suffering from vertigo up the Sear's tower...