MTF - How do you cope - I can't handle this?

[tryingto]

Please share how you do it. You may have seen my other posts in previous days. I'm a hidden male to female (still straight though). I have had so many health problems before that I now literally hate getting up everyday. I've tried ordering hormones from overseas etc. but the cost has literally broken me financially to ruins. I felt more like "ME" on hormones - but they made me very sick too. So between finances and health I had to stop. Life is so bad right now I really just want to end everything. My religion (please don't get on me on how i'm a sinner for wanting to be a girl) has been the only thing keeping me going. It is so hard guys, so hard. You have no idea how painful it is to wake up everyday hating yourself. I just can't describe it - and i've tried everything to help it. It's 5AM and like most nights - i'm up wide awake trying not to cry. I want to talk to a psychologist finally. For multiple reasons. One to know if life really is worth still going on, and Two to see if they would prescribe me hormones. When that happens I will loose everyone else in my life - but right now, i've lost myself so what do I do? I really don't know what to do. I looked at psychologists out of town - but they cost about $150 a visit. I've tried the fundraising sites, ( http://www.gofundme.com/1phm8w ) but I actually got so much flack last week that I refunded the one donation I received. I'm open to everyones thoughts - for now. I can't guarantee anything in my future anymore.

I will add, i'm already on an antidepressant - a very large dose
Also, I want an online psychologist because i'm scared an in person one will want to straight jacket me or something
Thank You Reme! I just don't know if I have the energy. That and I live in the middle of nowhere with a population of 1000 lol
Hi Sammy! That's whats so depressing though, I don't see my future getting any better )= And my primary care physician prescribed the anti-depressants. The hormones were obtained via internet
Chaz your post was very helpful, I have been crossdressing behind closed doors, but it's starting to loose the luster /=

Christian Guy - I keep myself so busy doing deeds for other people - almost to make myself feel better I think /= that too is taking a tole
I've setup a new facebook account (private one) here it is if anyone wants to add me

http://www.facebook.com/alexis.town.33