Why does this keep happening?

[losing my mind]

I’m 38. It’s the same day over and over again:
I just got a new job. It’s a great one. Very excited. It’s a big one. Career promise.
Started dating someone a few weeks ago. He is younger than me. Jewish. Great hair. Funny and supersmart. Sexy as all hell. My type same as always. Very excited.
Job is asking me perform the same marketing duties as always. Press releases, email blasts, revise websites, social media. Same just different topic fashion, finance, it, furniture. Who cares cranking it out.
I get texts from friends. Hear from the guy. Hey, what’s up, killer, blast, epic, bummer, later. I reply with smileys and babes. It’s all bullshit. Stay positive funny flirty.
I’m shooting vodka straight. Flavored it helps. Smoking cigarettes. Going out to smoke on the same stoop.
Friends asking if we should go to the same event. Same vodka different mixer. Same people different venue.
I see the guy. I’m alive. He’s charming, We have sex. I’m a vixen. Confident. He’s awesome. We shower together. I like you. You’re awesome, beautiful, very cool. I believe it. Of course I am.
Work is going ok. I wish I could stay off facebook. Keep cranking it out. Worried. Does my boss like it? Am I doing ok? Trying my best to guess what he likes. Just do your best. Deliver.
Friends telling me you seem to like that guy too much. They are not sure. You should date older guys. Not as hot. Go on match. Why are they telling me this? We go out different venue. Same vodka.
Facebook reveals there are other girls. The guy is responding to them. Not sure what is going on. Text every couple days what’s up. I stay friendly, happy, easygoing. Pit in my stomach. Something is wrong.
I’m shooting vodka straight. Flavored it helps. Smoking cigarettes. Going out to smoke on the same stoop.
I need to focus on work. My facebook friends are married, engaged, having a baby, bought a house, went on vacation. I’m here stalking guy and trying to sound cool. Update my profile pic. Post on facebook latest place I’ve been to Asia, Europe, the universe. Friends are buying into it. Jealous their husbands are not as exciting. Nobody knows I’d pay $100,000 to trade with them. They envy me. Who knows what they going through after reading my exciting posts.
My boss asks me to random crazy tasks. How am I supposed to know. He get’s frustrated. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong.
Why am I reading online dating advice. Signs he’s not into you. Look at his actions. Not his words. Why is he texting me about his workouts and the weather. I’m supportive. Good for you. Babes, hunni, smileys. It’s fucked up I can tell. He wants attention as soon as he gets some texts stop. I’m suddenly the last one to text.
I’m shooting vodka straight. Flavored it helps. Smoking cigarettes. Going out to smoke on the same stoop.
It all culminates in the same week. I lose my job. I lose the guy. I’m miserable. It takes moths. I travel to get over it. I don’t know how to escape. Why was I not good enough. What did I do wrong.
I’m shooting vodka straight. Flavored it helps. Smoking cigarettes. Going out to smoke on the same stoop.
I’m applying to new jobs. I’m on match.com. I’m out with my friends. It will all get better soon B. You’ll get a new job. Date a million guys. Spring is coming, valentines, summer, your birthday, the holidays, new years, don’t worry it will all get better. Next year is your year B.
I’m shooting vodka straight. Flavored it helps. Smoking cigarettes. Going out to smoke on the same stoop.