what do I actually want ?

[Matt]

I was going to write that you are clearly obsessed with this girl but that's not right. You're obsessed with an idealized image of a girl that you've never spoken to and who doesn't know you exist. You haven't got a crush on a person, you've got a crush on a mirage (like some fan of a Hollywood actor).

I don't want to be too harsh but it's just delusional to say "maybe she would reject me"? She doesn't even know you exist!! The whole "relationship" is totally in your head.

You shouldn't contact her in any way because it will inevitably deliver a painful reality check that you might not be ready for.

If you can't get on top of this obsession, you really should get professional help.