A essay need be polished~?

[Brenda]

I'm a nice girl in China, really want to go to America in this year. Can anyone help me modify my eassy in my poor English? I will be really appreciate for this!!!!!!!!! The title and passage are in followiing:
Do you agree or disagree that Universities and colleges should provide students with work preparation before they graduate.

The tertiary education has long been center of public attention. It has been argued that schools should advocate a work preparation to the graduate before entering the society. From my perspective, I agree.

Firstly, work preparation enables students to win edge over other competitors in job market. The preparation will allow students shift the role smoothly from college to society by foreseeing the occupational issues relevant with code of conduct, skills in the interview and so on. According to a recent survey conducted by CASS(Chinese Academy of Social Science), after polling hundreds of staffs from human resource department of transnational enterprises, most respondents claimed that a candidate who has acquired a good knowledge of vocational preparation is always more competitive to get the position than another who shows the same good performance at school but has nothing beside the textbook. Thus to some extent, the professional preparation is instrumental for a graduate in the job interview.

Secondly, high employment rate is beneficial to the university's reputation. An university’s most valuable characteristic is its reputation. Naturally, by publishing a nearly hundred percent employment rate on the homepage of its website, not only do the college enhance the position in higher educational ranking, but it also boost the enrollment of new session because of the poweful attraction. It is hard to imagine students from a prestigious university will wander around their early twenties, paying rent, reading classifieds and wondering why the lights were not turning green for themselves. So at times like this preparation dose matter.

Thirdly, well-prepared students allow companies to cut training fees. A freshman who suffer the shock of culture of enterprise would impose financial burden on employee's training includes code of conduct. My older brother is a good case in point. He used to attend a class aimed at job preparation for graduate. After the training, he almost fostered the social skills and traits which would build up the sense of belonging with his later admirable company. Without a empolyee's training, his boss afford him a costly course in MBA(Mater of Business Administration) using the original fees of training. It was a big deal of money that spends on training fees. It seems clear to me that well-preparation enable the companies to save a lot of fees.

All in all, consider the benefits on individuals, universities and companies, it is indispensable to give work preparation for students before graduation.
How to Use the "First, Second, Third" to displace the Poor Express "Firstly, Secondly, Thirdly"?
And there difference mode of thinking in my mother tongue which would lead to the logic error~ Like most of students in college behave like a teenager in Western that country separate themselves from society...SO, Is there effective way to change my logic in to your culture? I would so appreciate for this!!!

[Donald]

Firstly, work preparation enables students to gain an edge over other competitors in job market. The preparation will allow students shift the role smoothly from college to society by foreseeing the occupational issues relevant with code of conduct, skills in the interview and so on. According to a recent survey conducted by CASS (Chinese Academy of Social Science), after a poll of the staff from the Human Resource Department of Transnational Enterprises: most respondents claimed that a candidate who has acquired a good knowledge of vocational preparation is always more competitive to get the position than another who shows the same performance at school but has nothing beside the textbook. Thus to some extent, the professional preparation is instrumental for a graduate in the job interview.

Secondly, high employment rate is beneficial to the university's reputation. A university’s most valuable characteristic is its reputation. Naturally, by publishing a nearly hundred percent employment rate on the homepage of its website, not only does the college enhance the position in higher educational ranking, but it also boosts the enrollment of new session because of the powerful attraction. It is hard to imagine students from a prestigious university will wander around their early twenties, paying rent, reading classifieds and wondering why the lights were not turning green for themselves. Therefore, at times like this preparation does matter.

Thirdly, well-prepared students allow companies to cut training fees. A freshman who suffers the shock of a “Culture of Enterprise” would impose financial burden on employee's training. My older brother is a good case in point. He used to attend a class aimed at job preparation for a graduate. After the training, he almost fostered the social skills and traits which would build up the sense of belonging with his later admirable company. Without an employee’s training, his boss could afford a costly course in MBA (Master of Business Administration) for him, using the original fees of training. It is a large sum of money that is spent on training fees. It seems clear to me that well-preparation enables companies to avoid loss of money through fees.

All in all, consider the benefits on individuals, universities, and companies because it is crucial to give work preparation to students before graduation.

[Prof]

Donald removed from your essay some common grammatical, spelling, and usage errors but essentially left it as you wrote it, in imperfect English that is common to oriental non-native speakers and writers. It is difficult for non-native speakers to understand the nuances of the use of articles (a, an, the) in the language. This may be a valid strategy because schools will recognize that you wrote the essay rather than hiring someone to do it for you in perfect English form. In general your essay conveys good thinking on your part. It should work well.

My suggestion is to use Donald's version, but include your introductory paragraph, and change the very poor forms of Firstly, Secondly, and Thirdly to First, Second, and Third.

Here is my edited version of your introduction:

Tertiary education has long been a center of public attention. It has been argued that schools should advocate work preparation for graduates before they enter the society at large. From my perspective, I agree.

Students are already members of society, so your sentence lacks logic. But they are members of the student segment of society and they become members at large after they graduate. My version eliminates this logic error and uses articles correctly. Changing from singular to plural also improves the sentence. Appending this introduction to Donald's version of your essay makes your essay a winner. Best of luck.