living with a sibling that is an addict, what would you do?

[29palms]

This could be a long story so I am going to sum it up. My younger brother (23) is an addict. He has been through numerous treatment centers etc. he even lived with myself and my husband for about a year straight and still relapsed, after that I swore he would never live with us again because of the stress it created for me and my husband...About 2 months ago he pulled a knife on my mom and was making threats (due to the drugs) so they called the cops on him and he was arrested.
My mom couldnt stand leaving him in jail and was going to get him out and put him up in a hotel room. (yes a horrible idea) so i suggested that my brother come stay with my husband and myself until he could get into a drug rehab program and would stay only a few days to a week at the most here with us (we live in a nearby state). my brother did go to a 7 day detox center and has been taking his prescriptions (that we pay for, little help from my family) but has been pushing my nerves to the limit.
I have been trying to help him get a job and a truck so he can move on his own but it is proving way harder to deal with him than anticipated. I cannot send him back home to our family's house bc they are not going to allow him back and he would just relapse.
now my husband and I (we have only been married 4 years and half of the time my brother has been staying or living with us) are having to deal with this the best we can.


The last straw was today, my husband and i went on an OVERNIGHT getaway for the holidays and left my brother at our house with specific instructions:
1. no one allowed over
2. if he wanted a mixed drink, he could only have 2 weak drinks before bed.(which is okay with his meds, i checked)
come home this a.m. to find he had not only drank half a bottle of jameson but lied about it saying i was crazy (even though i marked the bottle w a sharpie before w e left)
i was upset but thought maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing so i was checking his email for jobs and saw a facebook message to one of his friends here where we live stating that the friend 'should come over because his sister and brother in law were gone for the night'
i have not confronted him yet and not really sure what to say.. i told him earlier that if he didnt act like a child i wouldnt have to treat him like one which led to an argument.
i am exhausted, frustrated and depressed.. i want to help him but how far do i have to go to make him grow up?
i need ADVICE!!! good advice from serious people.. i am not perfect by any means and there is no handbook given to families of addicts so please guide me i am so lost!!!
my husband and i had been planning this trip for months and i really needed a break for being with my brother 24/7 ..he has no health insurance so everything he does is out of pocket. we could not get him into a longer treatment facility or even a halfway house without $$$ (trust me, i made phone calls for a week straight!) The detox program was the only choice we had at the time now he sees a doc at the health dept but the doc isnt there half the time so not really beneficial. he doesnt have a vehicle to go to A.A. meetings and my husband and i dont have time to run him around..its very disheartening and frustrating!!!

[Mysterious*I*Am]

Why would you leave him alone in your house? And do you really think he's gonna listen to you when you say don't have anyone over, and only make 2 weak drinks? You can't force him to do anything...no matter who wants him to change it all comes down to if he wants to change. A 7-day detox center isn't long enough for anyone, of course they will relapse. A good 6-months would be beneficial to him. You didn't state what he was an addict to specifically, but I would suggest him going to treatment for longer than a week..I know it's difficult because I've been in your shoes. it will help him in the end, and there's no reason you need to be stressing about this your whole life.

[?]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Dealing with an addict is stressful for the entire family system. I really suggest everyone in your family start attending al-anon a support group specifically for families dealing with addiction. Just because he has detoxes from his drug of choice and its okay to drink on his percription does not make it okay for him to use alcohol. Drinking is just another type of drug so he's just switching one drug for another. It sounds like he needs a resadential treatment facilaty or a sober living house. Ultimately you are not in charge if your brother or the choices he makes but it can be so hard to watch someone you love hurt themselves over and over.

[freedom fighter]

He needs professional intervention and assistance with his addiction..you need to find a support group or professional to help you deal with his addiction..

[Betty M]

You seem to be between a rock and a hard spot.

I have a daughter who has been a drug addict for 15-20 years now. I love my daughter and her sister and I have bent over backwards to try to help her kick the habit and start a new life. I can't tell you how much money this has cost us and the stress and drama we've had to deal with.

Tough love is really hard, but when you're dealing with a drug addict or an alcoholic, it's the only thing you can do. Like me, you have done everything you can do to help him, but the fact is, you can't make someone stop using drugs or drinking. They are the only one who can do this. All the help you are giving him, is not helping him, it's enabling him to continue to be an addict.

My story with my daughter is too long to tell on this site. But I will say this much. My daughter had two children with her first husband. Got a divorce and gave him custody of the children. Then married another man, had three children with him. Got a divorce and gave him custody of their children. She always picks men who abuse drugs, alcohol, and her. Of course he abused her and threw her out in the street. She came to live with me, I got her off the drugs and she got a job. But when she got her own place, she got back into drugs again and married an alcoholic who was her drug dealer. They didn't have any children thank god. Of course he abused her and they moved to another state. He kicked her out of the house and she became homeless. They got a divorce and she turned around a married another man who abuses drugs with her and he's a registered sex offender. They were jobless and homeless and they wanted to come live with me to get back on their feet. I put my foot down and said no.

It's been two years and they are both still jobless, homeless, but seem to always have money for drugs. It breaks my heart to see what my daughter has become and to finally know that I can't help her. You can't destroy your own life and your marriage to try to help your brother, when he refuses to help him self.

The hardest thing I ever did, was to say no more. It's time for my daughter to help her self and stop expecting me to constantly live with her drama and put up with her neediness and refusal to change. You have to cut the strings and set him free. It won't be easy, but it's the only thing left for you to do. Hopefully when he hits bottom, he'll decide to kick the habit and do what HE has to do to make a better life for him self. But you can't do this for him, he has to do it.

[Invisigoth]

"there is no handbook given to families of addicts"--actually there is. it's called Al Anon or Nar Anon. you'll learn about addiction & how not to enable your brother. you'll learn how to set limits with him & how to enforce those limits.

until you're prepared to let him fall flat on his face & hit his personal rock bottom, he has no reason to improve.

right now, you're not really helping. you're still too busy trying to protect him from the consequences of his addictions.

go to the meetings (they're free) & learn how you can really help him.

as for what I'd do:
write up a contract for him that spells out the conditions that will allow him to remain in your home. make it clear that if he violates those conditions then he has to leave.

if he leaves, you'll need to change your locks so that you're sure he doesn't have a key to get into your home when you're not there.

don't worry about him being homeless & not having any where to go. you can point him in the direction of a local shelter or he'll find someone else to take advantage of or he'll straighten up.

[nora]

there is a group like AA for families of addicts call any AA number listed in phone and ask for referral go and ask for help I wish you the best