Confused about my relationship? Lack of passion!?

[Summer<3]

Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over three years. We are both 22 years old and we are in college. My boyfriend also has a job and I see him once a week because we are both busy and life gets in the way. When we met, we became friends and I really liked him. When we got together, we spent SO much time together and I loved every minute of it because everything was so new and exciting. Now, i do not get excited when it comes to seeing my boyfriend and I don't feel that passion anymore. About a year ago, we had a big fight because I logged onto his Facebook and saw some messages. After that, I question if I can trust him. I love him, and I am pretty sure that he loves me too but I just feel like I don't want to be touched or kissed sometimes. Is it normal to lose passion in a relationship?
How can I get it back?


Thank you so much

[Been There]

Yes, it is totally normal to lose passion.

Passion is caused by brain chemistry. When we meet someone, our unconscious responds to the "signals" we read from them, and starts pumping out serotonin and oxytocin. Chemicals that make us "high" over the other person, make us obsessed and passionate.
But all body systems, including brain chemistry, try to maintain their normal status. This process is called "homeostasis" and it means that sooner or later the brain chemistry will return to normal (2 weeks to 3 years) and the passion dies out.
Oh, for some people they can get small flare ups from time to time ... a flash of passion.
But the passion always dies out.

Passion is not love. Nor is it what makes a long-term relationship work.
There are people who are addicted to the limerance of passion, and canno make long-term relationships work.
And psychologists warn us that the stronger the passion is at the beginning the greater the let-down usually is .. and the greater the need for passion .. and this can create huge problems later on.
Usually when we seek passion, it's because we don't like ourselves very much and need someone else's passion for us to affirm our value. AND because we don't like our life very much and the passion takes us out of our own life into a fantasy .. for a while.
Psychologists say that until we love ourselves we cannot really love another.
And that until we are happy with our life, we will not be happy in a long-term relationship.

Interestingly, you cannot start to develop mature companionate love until the passion has died out.
Unfortunately, it is hard to develop when you are both too busy to spend much time together.
It takes about 15-20 years of living together before a couple figures out how to make their relationship work well. And it is far more soothing to our soul than the flare of passion.

But the fact that you two ARE friends IS the basis for the ability to create a lasting relationship.
Yet, the fact that you shut down to him physically - don't want to be touched or kissed - indicates walls around your heart, and that is not an good indication.
Love means doing what pleases each other .. and if he wants to touch you and you don't hold him back ... this is not loving him.

Probably your wall is related to that "big fight" a year ago. Love forgives. Love deals with our own hurt and doesn't make the other responsible.
But if the fight was over trust .. well, that's a problem.
Trust is 65% of what makes it work, and if he broke your trust, the relationship will always be crippled now.

Understand that love is NOT what makes it work. And neither is passion.