Why is my brain so black and white and so closed?

[Lily R]

I just want to say in advance, I sincerely apologise if you find anything within the question offensive. I really don't intend it to be offensive.

I like to think of myself as open-minded but I know that I cannot really say that as my brain really struggles with things outside of what it considers normal. It likes black or white, A or B.

I mean when I was really young and just starting high school my brain was in a very black and white mind set. It just had certain rules it could only accept:

Girls are weak, men are strong.

Being gay is wrong, being straight is good (plus the idea of a guy liking a guy or a girl liking a girl was was incomprehensible and both, just I had no understanding in the world how that could be possible)

I was in very A or B categories.

Boys are born physically male, girls are born physically female.

You can probably imagine. I was a great person.

During all this I was going through gender confusion, well it wasn't exactly confusion. Since 9 I knew I should be female (I was born male) and like I knew I could get a sex change one day, I asked my Mum a few weeks after the realisation and she must have took my asking as child curiosity, I just asked "Can people change sex?" and she said "Yes". Turns out my Mum is very anti-LGBT though :\ On top of this I liked girls too. Just my default setting in my mind I guess. Given how black and white I was at the time, "I'm born a boy so I have to like girls". I kinda just pushed the feelings of being female to the back of my mind not letting it click I like girls and want to be a girl making me in fact a lesbian. At that age too when I did indulge my feelings of wanting to be a girl in private, I always imagined being with a guy. The black and whiteness of my mind at work again.

Skipping to the end of high school now, I'm out of the closet and I now have my new black and white categories:

You like boys or girls.

You identify as male or female.

You are born the sex of male or female.

You get the picture, still A and B categories.

Anyway I joined an LGBT youth group where I first met one of my best friends, Rachel and at the time she identified as bisexual (she now has figured out she is a lesbian) but like that just had my mind blown. It didn't fit into my A or B categories, it still doesn't really but over time I guess I have got used to it. But I used to really struggle referring to my friend as a lesbian which understandably pissed her off. I just struggled so much to get my head round it though. I actually have nothing against it. My brain just struggles processing it. I eventually got it in my head though, that she is bisexual.

A year later, the confusion is now entering my mind that I may also like guys. Yep, I'm bisexual and the struggle hits me all over again cos I want to either be a lesbian or straight, bi just doesn't make sense to my mind. So for the next couple of years my "Interested In" section on facebook changes a million times from male to female, from female to male. Never both.

To this year, I finally settle down with the idea that I am bisexual and can now just accept it. I encounter a person who is gender fluid and three people who identify as having no gender at all. I this time didn't struggle as much getting my mind around it as I did in the past. Shows I am getting a little bit more open minded I guess. BUT my sexuality shows some fluidity, some months I like guys more than I like girls and vice versa and now I am hitting another thing my black and white mind is struggling with, fluidity in my own sexuality. It confuses me way to much. I struggle way too much with this stuff.

Why is my mind so black and white like this? It really annoys me, I am part of a massively diverse community and I have a mind that seems to only like black and white categories which it just can't simply create for such a community.

I don't like having this mindset. I just don't get why I have such a mind set though. Why am I so black and white and why do I struggle with accepting things that are new to me as much as I do? Is there maybe something mentally wrong with me? My Dad has said recently he actually thinks I might be autistic. Does this behaviour match that of an autistic person? I don't know much about autism to be honest but apparently it is common in my Dad's side.

Why am I like this though? It is one thing I really hate about myself.
Alex the Awesome, in case you didn't pick up on it in my question I am a trans woman although unlike your friend I identify as a bisexual woman. Although I used to identify as a lesbian back in high school.
erer, thanks for the answer, however you have misunderstood me over my gender identity, I am 100% certain over my gender identity. I'm 21 years old, been on HRT for a year and I'm being considered for surgery in March. So.... I'm pretty certain over that.

[Alex the Awesome]

You want something that will blow your mind? I know people who are sexually attracted to one gender (say, men) but only romantically attracted to another (say women). I also know a transgender (MtF) women who considered herself a lesbian.

The truth is we are raised thinking of sexuality as black or white, it's a concept known as "cisgenderism." We like to pretend people who are in the middle, or have conflicting traits don't exist. We as a society pretend it's A or B when instead you can be both, neither, or a mix of the two. I know very little people that can think outside of the "black and white" philosophy that we've been taught, so it's not to abnormal. Clearly you are learning and developing, and with time you will eventually broaden your view until you no longer see in terms of black in white. It's always a process to change a mindset, it's never instantaneously.

[erer]

1. I'm not bisexual, but I hear some do tend to prefer one gender over the other, usually their own. Sometimes they switch and start liking the other gender a bit more, but that doesn't mean they stop liking the other gender.

2. I'm sure you've thought of this by now, but during puberty hormones make you go a bit crazy and mess with your sexuality. Have you ALWAYS had these feelings? Do you remember even when you were a little kid feeling this way? I remember when I was in grade 2 me and my friend kissed (Ironically) in a shoe closet. And I had a crush on Orlando Bloom.

My point is, that was before puberty started messing with me and before I had even known "being gay" was a thing and I wasn't alone, so I know those feelings were actually true.

Edit: You say you're now a transwoman. Disregard this I guess, I assumed you were in your last year of high school

3. "Autism is a disorder of neural development characterized by impaired social interaction and verbal and non-verbal communication, and by restricted, repetitive or stereotyped behavior." - Wikipedia
Its recognized early in life, in the first few years. Your dad doesn't really know what hes talking about if he thinks you just suddenly got it.

Go to the link in the source for a good read on Autism from a website that isn't Wikipedia.

4. You need to stop using the phrase "Black and White". NOTHING in life is black and white, and anyone who deals with things like that always makes mistakes. You like guys and girls, you're not entirely sure whether you're a girl or guy, or how you really feel.

But labels do not matter. You can stop focusing on labeling yourself, you don't need to. Live your life how you want to, don't worry about labels or other people or fitting in.

[michele]

Religion and politics teach you things are "It likes black or white, A or B."

Life is rarely full of absolutes

Morals and values are usually fixed (a or b), standing on solid ground.

Sounds as your growing up (maturing). Sexual orientation is not a moral and value it is just Sexual orientation. On top of that your in transition and that can change orientation.

[Scrooge Jones]

I'd say your inability to comprehend gray areas stems from the way you were brought up, the teachings of society and all that. People tend to stick to what they know...anymore and their brain takes a while to comprehend it. You're constantly being introduced to new concepts and as you learn about them, they become less foreign. I think most people are like that until they'v actually experienced it firsthand and been exposed to certain kinds of people. I wouldn't feel too bad about it, because you seem willing to accept the fact that not everything IS black or white. I agree with Alex that it's an ongoing process, learning, and everything won't be fully accepted/understood overnight.