After two years of marriage and a daughter - Found out husband cheated.. Advice? Is it worth forgiving?..?

[Nicholle]

My husband and I have been married for a little over two years now and I recently found out he cheated on me a month before we got married and a month after we got married.

When we first got married, we lived in separate states for a month because I had to switch jobs and we had to find an apartment. When I moved in with him, there was this girl who was acting overly obsessed with him. Liked every single Facebook post. Commented on everything. Tried being friends with me.. I found out they had went on a dinner date and found mild sexting.. He swore there was nothing else but I recently found out there were pictures involved too so I'm just going to assume there's more he's not telling.

He also confessed that a month before we got married, he was making out with a girl at a party. Again he swears there was nothing more than that.. But I don't believe him.

I get sick when I look at him half the time. It makes it harder because we have a daughter now. I love him but idk.. Advice?

[285]

Stay if u want to teach your daughter it's ok for men to shit on her like he has on u. Leave if u want to teach ur daughter she deserves a real man who will treat her right!

[Killah B]

I am so sorry, but it sounds like he is lying to you.

I do not trust this man simply from the information you provided. I think you should leave.

[Porter]

There are two types of guys: cheaters and non cheaters. Non-cheaters will never cheat, no matter how bad things get. Cheaters, on the other hand (even reformed ones) will use any excuse, like a big fight, as justification for having an affair. Because the truth is, they aren't really in it for the se*x, they're in it for the thrill of the hunt, the thrill of getting away with it, and the rush they get from both.

Take your daughter completely out of the equation, because she's not a reason to stay together. That just means that she'll be around to learn to lie and deceive from watching him and to hear the screaming fight(s) when he gets caught again and again.

Normally I'd say to try to work it out in therapy if you thought you could trust him again. But it's not like this is a one-time thing. He's done it twice that you know of, and as you seem to suspect, that probably means he's either cheated or tried to cheat on other occasions. So the best thing you can do for you, yourself and him(by learning that cheating has consequences), is to leave.

[Mary]

He's pretty low down, but you aren't sure what to do, so do nothing. You don't have to dump him, but you don't have to go back to normal either. Why not get some counseling, or join a support group and give yourself the gift of taking the time you need to make a decision.

[kittykat4]

I would walk away now for the sake of your daughter.do you want to raise her with a man who sounds like a habitual liar and a cheater? She will grow up believing and accepting that type of behaviour from all men in her life.I think you deserve better and you probably know that in your heart,just trust yourself and do whats best for you and your little girl.He will always be her father but it is his choice if he can change his ways to be a better man and good Dad,but your are her mother and need to raise her in a happy,healthy and stable home.Good Luck.

[STEEL]

I always crack up when people say to "leave him, you deserve better". As if going through the hassle of a divorce, fighting in court over spousal support and child support, and being a single mother living on your own is better than working through your issues with your husband.

I know this is difficult for you, and there are a lot of women AND men who have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to cheating. And many people have different ideas of what cheating really is. Thanks to Bill Clinton half the young people in this country don't think that oral sex is sex. So does somebody have to have actual intercourse to cheat? Or is kissing another woman grounds for divorce?

I would think long and hard before you walked out. The guy definitely sounds like kind of a dirt bag. But all things considered is this REALLY worth you packing up and moving out? I'm thinking not necessarily.

[Bill B]

I don't understand why these type of questions keep popping up ? If a guy is into you and totally committed ( marriage ) then this wouldn't be happening to you. Since it has already happened this should tell you what lays ahead for you. I think you answered your own question already but all you need to know is he's not that into you or this wouldn't be happening.

[Valy]

First of all, I need to be honest and say that I'm neither married nor have I ever been cheated on whilst in a serious relationship. So what I'm about to say comes from common sense and previously read advise from professionals.

They key point here, is that the trust you had in him has been broken. He hasn't been honest with you either when it came to telling you about what happened and how much happened, nor when things were going on at the time. You have every right to feel betrayed and hurt, therefore disgust is a perfectly normal reaction: he doesn't seem like the man you fell in love with any more. Therefore, you recoil at the sight of this "stranger you're married to". (I've felt similarly when my feelings changed for a boyfriend, I literally couldn't bring myself to seeing him the same way)

As it is, you have several choices which range from mild to decisive. The choice you make depends entirely on how YOU feel, and how far HE is willing to go to make amends. The choice you're happiest with will ultimately result in your daughter's healthy upbringing. (The younger the daughter, the more you can start with a 'clean slate')

If he accepts to being COMPLETELY HONEST with you and telling you EVERYTHING, then there is a chance that you believe that he values your relationship enough. He might have strayed because a) he's still young, b) is nostalgic of having the freedom of a singleton, c) feels weighted down by the obligations of marriage, or d) he's unhappy/he likes the thrill of it all/he's under pressure and needs to cope with naughty distractions(a lot like binge eating).

Although it's not much discussed, more couples than you think have one of the two "stray" when physically distant from their partner. These rendezvous can actually help a couple in many instants, if a solid foundation of mutual attraction is present. Leading a double life, even if just for one night, flushes out many self-conscious uncertainties a person may have (either in the bedroom or in other aspects of their life, like work, or family)... a lot like detoxing. You must also consider this aspect. BUT, for an affair to work - unless it's been mutually agreed to be an open relationship (which therefore requires absolute HONESTY)- it must be shrouded in absolute SECRECY.
The transition between secrecy (exclusive relationship) to honesty (open-relationship) can be extremely painful to both parties. The nature of the relationship literally changes... which brings me back to "being in a relationship with a stranger" and therefore feeling "sick".
But it's NOT impossible to accept the changes and go with it.

If you decide to give him a chance to explain himself, he owes you his full honesty. He'll try and hold back things he reckons you'll feel pain coming to know, but shielding you from these truths will only damage your relationship further so let him know of these conditions: it's brutal honesty or nothing.
If he doesn't accept these terms, be ready to either swallow down your hurt and close an eye (or two) and live your life unhappily but easily, or pack your bags and take your daughter and leave - however painful, frustrating, bothersome, complicated it may be. Your happiness is at stake and living a mediocre life can damage you and your family more than necessary.

Those are your options: have him tell you everything and decide you can work this out, pack your bags and leave for a happier future, or ride it out and wait for things to be okay again as if nothing ever happened.

I acknowledge that yours is a difficult situation, especially with a child involved. It's like a hurricane just pillaged your home, everything familiar and safe is somewhat broken, and you have to pick up the pieces and make sense of it all.

I suggest watching the comedy movie "The Women" (with Meg Ryan, Jada Smith, Eva Mendez, etc) and the storyline is centred on friendship, a working career, but also on the personal trauma of a husband cheating on his wife (Meg Ryan) with a younger, beautiful perfumeshop girl (Eva Mendez). I think that you'll like it and even be guided by it.

Best of luck!! Hope that your future will be bright and happy

[bunnyONE]

So, he wasn't forthcoming with this, you "found out" HOW? Obviously, he's been lying all along in the context of how far it truly went and you don't trust him further as he confessed the relationship finally (to some degree, anyway, NOT all by a longshot...)

You're getting "sick" at just looking at him, so there is a problem in addition, the lack of unforgiven feelings on your part, right?

You say you have a daughter together...Who absolutely, DESERVES a Mom and Dad, that is? IF you intend on staying a couple as in MARRIED. Don't you think you owe it to yourself to seek counseling? To your daughter? To your husband who you CLAIM to still love (but still get "sick" at the sight of?)

Seek outside help. You'll never make it without it and I suspect? You're smart enough to know that!

Grace