Would you be ok if your wife wanted to keep ties with this ex-lover?

[Mike]

My wife & i have been married for over 9 years. She had an ex-boyfriend that was obviously using her as a booty call for a few years before we met. She would ride the train for hours, not go out on a date, just stay in & be happy to have his attention for the sex she gave him. She always hated how she didn't feel like she was good enough for him. Anyways, I made it 100% clear that we would not get married if she kept this guy in her life because he has way too much power over her. She agreed, we got married...but years later she reconnected with him again (social media). It wasn't a big deal since he lived in NYC & we were in North Carolina then...but we have since moved back to NY & he lives only an hour away now.

We were separated for a year during which time she was talking to him...and even as we decided to work it out she still called him every time she had a relapse (she is an AA alcoholic). I don't know exactly what happened between them but in any case before we moved back in together we both agreed to cut off contact with anyone that we had sex with or sexual feeling for during our time apart, so she deleted his contact info. We've been living together for less than 6 months when I come home from a week long trip for work out of state & she is acting very cold and I am worried that she may be having another affair.

I'm especially concerned because she did this to me 2 years ago with a guy named Anthony (loser with no job). Fucked him for months & let me keep thinking if I work real hard she might not divorce me...

With that all as background you can understand why honesty, trust & infidelity are very important for our marriage to have a chance to survive. We have 3 grade school kids & despite everything that she has done, I want nothing more than for it all to work out. Anyways, I know I shouldn't snoop but when I saw the signs I couldn't resist checking her phone & I found the following text message conversation on her phone.

Her: Hi Jase, would you like to meet me at the empty bowls project meetup? Miss you, love you. I'm not trying to flirt & I hope you won't ignore me. I've been sensing our spiritual connection and see no reason to hide it from anybody. It's a gift.

Him: Love you too, I was thinking & speaking about you recently. Connection indeed.

Her: Just reading your response & I notice a deep tension in my lungs relax. As though I couldn't breathe or was holding my breath.

Him: Were you afraid I wouldn't reply?

Her: Yes. Anyways I have a gig & can't talk long! Wanted you to know about empty bowls and end the silence between us. Now, I can go make music

Him: So what change? Haven't heard from you in a while.

Her: Life is too short to ignore people I love as much as you.

Him: That's sweet and true and I love you always. Why not a month ago? Nothing specific encouraged you to reach out?

Her: For Mike's sake I wiped out contacts. Feeling a little guilty about how sexual we sometimes spoke to each other I suppose. Had a long talk with a girlfriend about love & I mentioned my frequent dreams of you. After a little background she encouraged I not let go and that not talking to you was unkind & could be harmful to you.

Him: I'm extremely glad to be hearing from you. I know we'll be in touch. :-) Xx

Her: If by chance you come tomorrow I will be there at 11. I have a huge hug with our name on it!

Him: Unfortunately I can't make it.

Her: Fortunately I see no expiration date on this hug Anyways marriage does terrible awful things to humans!

Him: It really can. Not everyone but I don't know if I can stay sane in a marriage!

Her: Everyone I know Anywhoo - enjoy your weekend Jace Love you.

Him: Thank you sweetheart! Love you.

She claims she doesn't want me to control her & that it's strictly platonic & she just loves him like a brother. She knows I am not OK at all with her talking to him but insists she will do what she wants & will see this guy if she feels like it. I AM TORN UP & Afraid that as I again try to do all the right things that she'll go fucking around on me again.

WOULD WOULD YOU DO? Does anyone think this is OK?
I'm not trolling, I would hope to get honest responses

[Kaz]

No not ok to do tht

[Renee Aponte]

Either you are trolling because you are bored or you really don't have a clue.

[Mandy]

Nooooo red flag

[?]

NO its wrong. Cut the chord.She is using you.

[Summer]

This is a complicated situation. Is what she doing ok? In my opinion no. I'm 27 & if a guy I was dating acted this way we wouldn't continue dating. The thing is you are married AND you have kids. That changes things bc their are many layers. I hate this for you bc I read all of it & it must drive you crazy to read those texts! I feel like this is on the verge of getting messy in one way or the other have you tried marriage counseling? You mentioned basically staying together for the sake of the kids? That's really good but don't stay in a bad toxic relationship bc that will not be good for anyone. I can see how lines got a little blurred for her with the seperation but now things need to be a little less blurry. This is tough & I wish you luck.

[david b]

This sounds like a situation where your wife doesn't respect the fact that your marriage vows are supposed to actually mean something. It sounds as though you have been very patient with her. Based on one of her comments to her " friend " it sounds as though she really doesn't want to be married in the first place. You should set her free and in doing so, put this dysfunctional relationship behind you.

You are right that trust is a major thing in a marriage. Obviously you can't trust her. She doesn't seem to recognize the damage she has done with her behavior, so she obviously isn't even interested in earning back your trust. When this happens, the relationship is pretty much over anyway except for the formalities.

For your kids sake, you should end this mess before they grow up thinking this is a normal marriage. Once things come to a head, they are going to be the ones to suffer the most. There will be pain involved for them no matter what. At least if you end it, it won't go on indefinitely.

[whats up]

I have 2 answers for you either leave her or let her keep cheating.

She will continue to keep cheating! This guy means allot to her. She married you under false pretenses!

[lonniue]

dump the ho