I feel like I need some advice, any offers?

[i like turtles]

Recently I have been feeling kind of depressed and I'm feeling kind of bitter and resentful at times of how my life has been, I want to give you a quick overview and see what you think.

I have three siblings, we grew up really poor, I mean literally just about getting by, when I was 10 my parents divorced in a really nasty divorce that dragged my siblings and I right through the inferno, it was a tough couple of years, I spent time living with both my parents neither of whom had much money and we were in pretty bad conditions and I was really far behind in school, I just had trouble getting things to stay in my head, I tried to be intelligent and appear as if I was quite well to do but they saw right through it and I was bullied mercilessly at school, I had one friend, at school and at scouts I was just a clown, I went through this period of complete self loathing because I wanted to be part of the in crowd but also of complete contempt because I hated them.

I just about managed to get into a state college and just like high school I just scathed through the first year, I only just got enough grades to not flunk out, but that year I joined an online marketing company and was able to make an awful lot of money through digital marketing, as well as online stock trading, I assumed my second year would be better because I had money but it got really bad, I managed to get into the in crowd but it got difficult and overwhelming and round about spring break time I had a nervous breakdown and I just could not bare the situation anymore, locked myself in my apartment for a few weeks, stopped going to classes and just spent the whole time pretty much crying or sleeping (which is pathetic, I was a 20 year old man)

I have not gone back to college, instead I bought a fairly nice, but modest house in a small town about an hours drive from Hartford, Connecticut (where I was going to college) and I fixed it up and it was just on the edge of town with a large garden and it is in front of the forest so it is pretty quiet and isolated, I had the place fixed up and moved in last year.

I've pretty much been a recluse since then, on one hand I have had loads of time and I have had time to study loads of different subjects and pursue loads of obscure hobbies and I have probably read thousands of books since moving here and I have virtually no stress, I can wake up and go to sleep when I want, I can study what I want and I can just watch my films or listen to my music in peace and there is a lot of time for quiet reflection, like on the decking next to my pond, I like to just read my book there and then think quietly, I've also had time to write loads of short stories and a few novels and manuscripts and it is pretty good.

Also I have managed to perfect a few languages and I have perfected my own accent so that I do sound educated and as if I am from a white collar background I sometimes speak to people in the village and I hear them chatting about how well mannered and nice I am and how I must come from a good background and I have a lot of clothes now (unlike when I was growing up) so that is nice.

On the other hand, sometimes I just feel like a failure, I mean I am on Facebook with people from High School and College and everyone is doing great and having fun and getting relationships, I make money online, there is no elitism to my job, I don't have a relationship, I barely have any friends and the ones I do I don't see and I can't bring myself to see them, all my siblings have got successful jobs and are earning great money and going on holidays, I have been looking at holidays but the idea of planes and travelling stresses me out, as much as I want do it, and I just can't help but think how pathetic I am at times, I mean on paper I am successful but really I am not.

The thing getting me through is just enjoying the little things, like the feelings films give me or dancing to my music or going for walks, writing is a great pick me up and things that trigger the few happy emotions I have to my childhood, but really they are just painkillers not actual cures.

Can anyone offer me any advice?
I have thought about taking the going to another college, I'm only 21 but is there much point, I have no idea what I want to do.

I've also put my apartment in Hartford up for sale, although I was kind of a hipster and bought a really lousy apartment, in hipster territory, by which I mean, in a crap hole.
I have a really low tolerance for stress, back in high school it would take very little for me to just give up on work or I would be having panic attacks every week, quite often I have nightmares about being back at college or high school and being in trouble or having loads of work to do in 1 minute or being in an exam I have not practiced for.

It is always a relief waking up in my bed, with zero responsibilities.

[postal p]

You are in a rut. You are drowning in self pity. Don't believe that everyone is doing great. People tend to lie or exaggerate things. Most of those high school kids are probably living at home with mom. Get out there, and find a good job. You might consider moving to a new part of the country also. You just need a fresh start. Stay off of facebook too. It is just depressing you. Good Luck!