I wish I was innocent but I'm really a bad person?

[Ellie]

My parents split up when I was 2. My father often neglects me. Since I was little he'd promise to come pick me up, and I'd sit there and look out the window waiting for him, but he'd never show. He even missed my 16 birthday that just passed. He promised to take me out to dinner, then when the time came he said he had a ''tight schedule'' and postponed to the weekend, and then the weekend came and he never showed up so I texted him and he said he has a ''bad cold'' and he'd text me later if he felt better but he never did, and we haven't talked since then.

My mom, on the other hand, is verbally and sometimes physically abusive. She has said unimaginable things to me, that I'm fat, useless, worthless, a bitch, stupid, I'll work at McDonald's when I grow up, and that if she were me she would kill myself. She's incredibly racist and homophobic as well so as a kid I grew up inwardly judging people for their skin colour but when I actually got to know them, I realized my mom is wrong. Almost all my friends are of another race, I just cannot get along with snobby, preppy, annoying white people. My mom tells me that if I get a boyfriend of another race, she'll kick me out of the house.

I've already tried reaching out for help to improve my situation at home. One day my mother hit me and left marks on my leg, so I took pictures and reported the situation to my guidance counselor. They called the Children's Aid Society and we had a social worker come once a month. Things never got better, though. In fact, they got worse because my mom was mad at me for telling on her. She claimed that I was ''looking for attention'' when really I was looking for help. Our social worker got us a family worker but she only came twice. I liked her a long, though, but they closed my case because I turned 16. Now I'm all alone. Now I'm trapped. Now my mom will continue to torture me for the rest o my life.

I was bullied really badly in the 6th grade. Now I feel inferior to everyone. I have no friends. I'm not as smart as the other kids, as out-going, as pretty, as athletic. I try to socialize with people and I feel happy that I might've made a new friend but they get bored of me in two days. I'm not good enough for anyone. And because of my parents, because I didn't have the emotional support growing up, because my mom put me down constantly, I feel emotionally damaged. I know I won't grow up to be a healthy adult. I am not even healthy right now as a teenager. My thoughts are dark, very dark. I think about suicide all the time. Or I'll watch violent, gory videos, something a normal teenage girl shouldn't be investing their time doing. I hack into people's Facebook accounts and basically invade their privacy. I reject any love and affection people try to offer me, like hugging. I can't even say ''I love you'' to someone. I can't compliment someone. And sometimes I think about killing someone. The only thing that has stopped me from brutally murdering my passed bullies is the high possibility of getting arrested.

And on top of my low-self esteem and depression, I'm a bad person. I made a fake Facebook account where I tell off people I don't like. I told off a smart girl at my school on the account for bragging about her 98% in the class when I have a low mark in mostly all my classes. She told me that she'd find out who I am and not go out of her own way to be nice to me. She couldn't ever suspect that it's me because I'm quiet, I never talk at school, but she knows it's me. For the past three months she's been giving me these weird looks and would quickly look away from me as we passed each other. I think she printed out the conversation and showed it to the authorities and they traced the account to me. That account is where I unleash all my anger and hate that's living within me. I don't want it to ruin my future. But I am a bad person. I am jealous, I am hateful, I am self-conscious. Because I'm not all high and mighty, I want to pull everyone down with me. I am a cyberbully, that's what I am. It's sad because I was once the victim of it, too.

I wish I was innocent like those girls at my school. All the smart and innocent girls stick together as a gang and study during lunch. They're on the honor roll. They'll all get far in life. They stay away from drama (so do I, but not on the Internet when I'm hiding behind the fake account), they don't have bad digital footprints like me, they are classy, confident, etc. And then there's me. A mean, vile, b*tch.

[Cat44]

I hear your pain. your bullying is an ends to a means for you. you have nothing else right now to medicate your own pain. it is sad to hear that your only support was taken away from you. right now you are it.

you mother is wrong and your dad is a dead-beat. but you are so not alone.

I think you should share your story with the following research link. there are very few examples from cyber bullies and yours would sure give insight into the sad dark world about them. if people understood your point of view it could really help victims of it to understand you and how their hurtful behavior plays a part in the whole thing. i'm not making excuses for you, but I commend you for your honesty and find your story very interesting and feel a great deal of empathy for you.

try this site and share your story. it is all confidential and you cannot be prosecuted for anything. you will be helping a lot of people if you decide to do it!

http://www.cyberbullying.us/shareyourstory.php

here are some more links that can help you connect with others

http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com/sho...php?t=5306

http://randomizing.hubpages.com/hub/Why-...-so-lonely

http://teenlineonline.org/

1-800-SUICIDE
(1-800-784-2433)
or
1-800-273-TALK
(1-800-273-8255)
or
Text Telephone:
1-800-799-4TTY
(1-800-799-4889

don't give up. for now, be your own best friend. soon enough you will be old enough to leave your abusive home and have a better life. study hard as best you can to get good grades so you can graduate and be able to find work and not have to sell yourself. so what if you work at a fast food joint for a while. if you do and you like it, work your way up the ladder to become a supervisor. hang in there. ask Jesus to help you. I will pray for you too.

[Hamzah]

I really feel for you
But try not to take your anger on other people by Cyber bullying
Don't even think of murder or suicide, you have one life and one chance, look at Nelson Mandela who was also a bully at school and didnt have a good life as a black and was sent to prison for his youth and adulthood. He only came out when he was old and became one the most famous people in the World.
Steve Jobs was an orphan, his dad didnt accept him when he was born (apperently) but he made so much tenchnology for this world.
But if there is one thing I would do is that you… become a Muslim and follow islam.
Islam is the fastest growing religion, why, because its teachings are perfect, it is the best way one can live and with the teachings of Islam, you will never even think of murder. If your mum punishes you for becoming a Muslim, try not to tell her you've become a Muslim
The prophet of Islam was Like and was stoned bt found a way
try asking the leader of a mosque, he will guide you

[Camille]

You need Jesus Christ in your life and when you ask Him into your life He will come in and change you from the inside out.
He loves you so very much and He will remove your pain and your suffering. He has been waiting for you to ask Him into your heart.

I once suffered and when I ask Him to come live inside of me I felt so good to know I did not need to do it alone anymore. That He would be there inside me making the changes I could not.

I want to share some videos with you where the Name of Jesus is worshiped by teens like you and they are being set free from their hate filled lives by the Holy Spirit who is washing them clean and bringing them joy like they have never know it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gm87heWSP8

Powerful Youth Holy Spirit Revival in Providence US

Hungary Holy Spirit Miracle Crusade

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9GO70P0lGg
......................................................................
Holy Spirit Youth Revival in Colombia
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-JCIMr2GbE

Let the Holy Spirit begin to minister love to you through these videos

10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) - Matt Redman (Best Worship Song Ever) (with Lyrics)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXDGE_lRI0E

[v]

You're a young and fortunate person -yes fortunate- and should not be going through this, and feeding the dark demons of anger and depression will only make it worse. Words can only go so far in getting you out of this pit, so if you want to climb out and walk the path of confidence and love, you need to begin taking steps.

Forgive your parents. Understand that they have their own tough battles and don't blame them. I'm sorry about what you went through in the past. You need to let go of the past and don't take it upon yourself to hurt or harm them or anyone else who hurt you. God is perfectly just and we all reap what we sow. I've seen this so many times.

I believe you are going to grow up to become a healthy adult because you're seeing that what you've been spending your time doing and thinking is bad for you. Many teenagers and people go through these dark times but they don't see it. It's so good you're seeking help to overcome these things.

Count your blessings. You have all of your needs met, as well as the chance for a great education and opportunities to fulfill your potential.

Love yourself. It is not selfish love, but begins with self-acceptance and knowing that God has made great and perfect plans for you and your life. When you love yourself, you will be truly confident, learn to love others in a healthy way and attract many friends and people. About your classmates, from my experience I've found that some people (especially superficial people) seem to have it all but have huge problems and are miserable in reality.

Check yourself every time you think something dark, violent or self-destructive. Why I'm telling you this is because most -yes most- of a person's evil thoughts do not come from their own mind but are fed to them by the devil or a demon. Demons hate all human beings and want to get us to think and do things to destroy ourselves.

Ready to get rid of those demons? There is only one way and it's not seeing a shrink or taking medicine. The real problem is always a spiritual one so the solution is also always spiritual in nature. Demons flee when they hear only one name - the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. I have witnessed people being delivered from demons many times.

If you make Jesus Christ your Lord and Saviour, He will give you authority over Satan and all his demons. You will also be saved from eternal torment and inherit the kingdom of God. You can do this right now:

"Dear Jesus,

I am a sinner.
I repent of my sins.
Please forgive me and save me by your shed blood;
come into my heart.
I want to receive you as my own personal Lord and savior.

Amen"

Now that Jesus has given you the authority over all evil spirits, say:

"Satan and all unclean spirits I bind you and rebuke you in the mighty name of my Lord Jesus Christ. Thank you Lord Jesus for driving the devil and his demons out of my life and for keeping them away from me forever!"

Here's a powerful repentance and deliverance prayer you can say:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71TdHQkliYM

You're an intelligent and healthy young person and I will pray for a great and blessed future for you.

[Christian]

My dear daughter Ellie in Christ , I see so many aspects in you to be highly appreciated .. No doubt in your heart of heart you are a genuine girl who love " the Good " .

Really you hate evil .And that is why you confess here your great yearnings to live as a typical successful girl .
Yet circumstances has discouraged you much . Just believe that the negative environment will one day disappear and you will be put under a good ,positive and favorable environment . Child psychology says that a child's behavior is decided only by the Environment under which she lives . Your bad Environment only spoilt your otherwise genuinely good behavior .

We have the Statue of Freedom , We have the great and marvelous constructions as Wonders of the world . None of the Wonders of the World came into existence without a wise , Intelligent designer behind . No beautiful picture ( or a work of art ) can come into existence without an artist behind .

Our human body is the most awesome and most wonderful machine .. There is no possibility for such a most wonderful machine to come to being without a Wise and Intelligent Designer ( God the Creator ) behind.

The Bible tells us of the wonderful Works of the Good ( Creative Power ) Whom we call God . More than 2100,000,000 Christians are following God and His Word the Bible ,and live a happy , peaceful , successful and victorious life ... The Bible says that is capable of Turning anyone's unfavorable Environment into a most favorable Environment .

In the Bible ,we read about a helpless girl like you . Her name is Esther . Her babyhood Environment was so pathetic that she lost both of her parents . She became an orphan . God changed this environment and stirred her uncle Mordecai to have mercy and love upon her . Mordecai brought her up with all affection and love and taught her about the Bible-God ..

Just try to get a copy of the Bible and read the Book of Esther .. When she attained her marriageable age . there arose a need for a queen for the great King Xerxes of Persia . He was ruling the 127 provinces stretching from India to Ethiopia ... God ,so wonderfully brought this orphan girl Esther to be the most loving queen of this King Xerxes ...

God is capable of changing anyone's unfavorable Environment into a most favorable environment ... Just pray to Jesus the Son of God to change your unfavorable Environment and to bless you with an entirely favorable Environment . He created the sun, moon , stars and everything we see and don't see . Everything is possible for him . Nothing is impossible for Him . The Lord has turned innumerable people's bitter situations into the sweetest situations . The Living Lord has worked so wonderfully in my life also ..

Over night he can Change your whole bitter trend and make your life a sweeter one .. No doubt in it ... Jesus gave His very Life for your on the Cross . Can you understand His True Love for you ..? Will it be right for you to neglect , reject or disregard Jesus the Son of God Who shed His whole blood on the cross in order to save you from all your troubles, pains, sufferings including eternal torment in the life after death ..

As far as I know .. Jesus alone can change your BITTER life into a BETTER life .. He is an Ocean of Love .. He would send His most powerful angels and Take care of you , guide you and Lift you .. Since Jesus has all the Characteristics and Power of God , it is no doubt Fit for Him to be called Son of God . Just pray to Him tonight .. You will see some unexplainable Peace and joy overflowing from your heart ..

Read the Bible ( New Testament ) , know about the teachings and Characteristics of Jesus Christ and try to practice His Love through your actions . Jesus will fill your heart with His divine Love .With that Love you will be able to Love and Help even your enemies ..

Just start it as early as possible . You will begin to love everyone including your enemies . You will begin to help everyone in need and trouble . Everyone of your good -deed will make your heart overflow with immeasurable happiness , peace ,joy and satisfaction .. Your good -deeds will make everyone of your enemies ( including your parents ) wonder at you . All their hearts will get changed and everyone will begin to shower their Love upon you .

Please see ,how some of your friends ( Cat44 , CAMILLE and V ) have given you good advices . They have given you better advices than mine . With Jesus' Love they have spent their most precious time for your here .. Surely it is a more than enough advice .. Use it and become great and joyful person ..