Unsure of my future with my significant other?

[Berry]

I'll make this as quick as possible so that I don't waste your time. I am posting this question in this section to get mature advice from experienced adults so I appreciate your insight and wisdom.

I am a 21 year old female; my boyfriend (also 21) and I have been dating for 3 years. From the very beginning of our relationship, I have always been unsure about him. After one year, I transferred to another college and we have been in a LDR since. Over the past 14 months, I've fallen more in love with him. I genuinely care about him so much. We talk about moving in together this summer upon graduation.

However, I still find myself unsure. This is very selfish of me, but there are so many things about him that erks me. He is obsessed with social media; he's constantly checking his Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook via his iPhone every 10-20 minutes. I wish I was exaggerating. He has bad hygiene-- wears the same pajamas to bed for weeks at a time, goes months and months without changing his sheets, and his breath smells awful even an hour after he brushes his teeth. He is obsessed with sports-- I swear he cares more about his favorite teams than he does about me, because whenever we're together, he's constantly checking updates on his phone even though we only see each other once a month for about 1-2 weeks at a time.

He's incredibly loyal, passionate, and supportive. So I feel so selfish for focusing too much on his flaws, but it's so hard to look past them. He knows NOTHING about the real world. He doesn't even know how to change a tire on a car, or the oil, and he can't do things around the house. I don't know what to do because I know he has great qualities of a lover, but I feel like I'll never be completely happy with him. It may just be me though-- maybe I am the problem. I am very neurotic and emotionally unstable.
It's probably important to mention that I have confronted him about my concern with his social media use while he's with me-- I tell him I wish he would spend more time with me instead of being so engulfed in his phone and he gets mad and tells me I'm criticizing him. He doesn't get defensive about other things, just this.

[Natalia]

If you truly love him you'll learn to deal with his antics! I find what you are going through pretty normal. There are so many positive things about him that you listed there that actually matter-personality wise. Try to just be up front and tell him how you feel about what is bothering you. Healthy relationships will grow together and learn to accept others habits.

[planner]

the uncleanness and obsessive use of social media suggests that this person has an addictive personality, meaning that he is not grounded in the real world and is easily addicted to anything which keeps him isolated from reality. people with addictive personalities will often transfer their addictions from one thing to another. they are normally very passionate people who would practically die for you, but they are also very very difficult to live with on a daily basis as their addictive personalities cause them to indulge in behavior which is often destructive to themselves and to those around them.

if you are emotionally unstable, it is not likely that you would be a good person to link up with an addictive personality type of person because those types of people will always choose to satisfy their own addictions over fulfilling the needs of those they love, unless they get help and are delivered from that addictive behavior.

it is possible that since he is still very young, that he will outgrow that stuff. many guys are obsessed with media and sports at that age and later outgrow it as they mature and begin to deal with life on a more realistic level. remember that 21 for a guy is much less emotionally mature than 21 is for a girl. girls mature emotionally when they start hitting mid teens while guys really don't start maturing emotionally until they begin to get near 30 in most cases. that is the reason why in most marriages, the guy is older than the girl. normally speaking, men mature at slower rates than women do. so, you may be ready to look at the world as a grown woman while he is still seeing it as a teenager.

only you can decide if he is worth waiting for and if you are able to put up with his fobiles until he grows up.

[john]

Do what u thin is right

[Barbara B]

Neither of you are ready for a long term (marriage) relationship. That's pretty blunt, but it's the truth. Neither of you are ready.

How can I tell? Well, his obsession with social media shows he's obsessed with himself - who is trying to contact MEEEEEE!!!!! Moreover, his slovenliness and poor hygiene is another key point. That indicates depression - as well as self-centeredness. Both of these show that this guy is simply not ready for the realities of a LTR.

You admit to being neurotic and emotional instability. Just those issues alone are enought for me to say you aren't ready for the stress of a LTR.

If I were you I'd put the breaks on this distance nonsense pronto. That doesn't mean you can't have a relationship - but put this guy on "friend" status. He can be your cherished friend or your FWB or something - but not your "intended."

Then work on yourself. The whole neurosis and instability stuff needs to be managed and really taken care of - BEFORE you dare to enter into a relationshp that has even a ghost of a chance of making it. Once your own life is settled then and only then will you be able to have a truly happy, stable and loving relationship.

[riversconfluence]

So, he acts like a kid. No responsibilities, obsessed with social media, can't even change a tire.
Can't take critisim.
Stop and analize what 99% of the messages on social media are about: here is a pic of my dog, isn't he cute? I'm going to the store now. I saw Margie and Susie together yesterday, wonder what that means? There is little of anything worthwhile.
and a person never interupts a gf that hey have not seen in awile to converse about these things.

A marriage is a partnership, mostly 50/50. He is not giving his 50%.
Please do not confuse sex with passion.
Don't confuse too lazy to go find another woman with loyalty.

And what will the future bring, how much attention will you get when you live with him? None is my guess.

A man, with chronic bad breath, who can't go find out what the problem is. It could be something really serious.

so work on yourself, if you have problems, you won't be able to deal with his. Get some help for yourself, so that you can see that you are an attractive, worthwhile person who should be able to have her pick of men. and not have to settle.

[Rosalie]

Nope. Go find a grownup. He's a boy.
WHile once upon a time it was seen as a badge of honor to civilize a guy like this, you have said it yourself- this makes you crazy, and not in a good way.

CHecking his phone and teams and social media is a form of addiction. Common, yes, but still - and addiction. It doesn't bode well if he isn't paying attention to you even when you're together. If this is happening while you're dating, just think how it will fill his attention when you settle in and life become routine. You'd never see anything but the back of his head, ever again. I guarantee it.

It would be one thing if you had doubts about things that aren't fundamental- but I fail to see how he is being supportive. If he were actually doing that, you wouldn't feel "neurotic" about him - you would want to spend more time with him as the only time you didn't feel that way. It isn't you - it's him. A man who is secure and gives you confidence doesn't make you neurotic. That's not how it works.

You can go ahead and move in with him fo the summer, but I'm sure it will cement what I've said. You have had time away to see what he truly is - a college boy who can barely take care of himself, much less you.

You're ready for more than that, and he may or may not ever be a real grownup. It's not a good idea for you to take him on and try to shape him into one - because that comes from the inside out.

Tell him it's not working out - you've seen him up close and far away. He's not for you, and he never will be. And as long as you're with him, you won't find the guy you deserve.

[Messykatt]

The problem here is obvious, if that helps. You want to be in a committed, serious relationship, including major steps like moving in together. But that's a disconnect from reality, because your relationship is nowhere near stable enough to be at that point. In fact, sometimes people in LDR's like the idea of being "with someone", but without the hassles of 24/7 exposure. It's convenient.

In your case, there's even a bigger risk and that's your young age. Even now, you have 3 or 4 years to go before you're fully adult in all senses of the word - mentally, emotionally, physically. Hopefully, both of you are changing and maturing during this protracted separation. The odds that you'd move in together and sail off happily into the sunset as a couple are almost nil.

I'm not sure why you mention selfishness, because none of this has anything to do with selfishness Maybe it's subconscious, but you're just protecting yourself. The issue isn't social media - it's about ALL the changes and habits that you won't be aware of until you spend extended quality time with each other.

So I'm not sure what to suggest, because only you know if the good outweighs the bad at this point. But if it does, that's not a green light to go from LDR to living together. You need to know he can function as an adult BEFORE taking that step.

If you want to keep evaluating this, fine, but when you start talking about future plans, regardless of who has to actually move, maintain your independence and require him to do the same. Take it gradually.

[Asked and Answered]

You say: "I have always been unsure about him. " There is your answer. you have no real future with this person.