I'm very depressed and it's my birthday....help?

[Jessica]

Today I turn 26 and, even though I should be happy that I'm still in my twenties, something is just making feel very unhappy about it. I see on Facebook that EVERYONE has something so happy to write about i.e. their families, or creating families, getting married, engaged, having kids, etc. I never even had a stable boyfriend. I've only been on a few dates my entire life, almost got serious with one guy until I told him that we needed a break, and during that break, he not only cheated on me, but knocked up that chick he cheated on me with. Yeah. I keep on thinking about the past a lot too and I just can't make it go away. I also have this thing where, if a sad song comes on the radio, I immediately have to change it because I just want to stop all of this negativity. I've been wanting to get rid of my Facebook account too, but since I'm in the acting/film industry, I can't delete it thanks to the fact that I must use it for filmmakers to see. I guess I feel like I've missed out on a lot in life and just feel like an observer. Just watching it go by. Gosh, this sucks. Help?

[TBanderson]

Your just feeling down, don't let it get to you! i have always been peoples shoulder to cry on so if you need anything shoot me a email. I don't bite

[G]

Happy birthday. I know how you feel. I've not only been there, but I'm 29, and I am there. I didn't have Facebook for over 3 years, but I recently had to open an account for my business. Facebook keeps suggesting that I friend all these people I've never heard of before, but upon closer inspection they're all people I went to high school with new last names. I didn't go on a single date until I was 24. He was the only person I ever dated in my entire life. We dated for 5 years, and he dumped me 2 months ago. All this time I thought we were working towards getting married it turns out we were working towards breaking up. From what people have told me it takes half the time of the relationship to get over it. I'm looking at 1 year - 2.5 years before I stop feeling stable enough to date again. I'm 29. I'll be 30 in March. What happens in 2 years when I start dating again, and after I filter out all the losers I meet someone and date them for a few years and they dump me again? I could die without ever getting married. I'm a wedding planner. Do you have any idea how depressing it is to help people plan their weddings when all I've wanted to do my entire life is find 'the one' and get married and I'm the only person I know who has failed to do exactly that? I literally have NO friends in my inner or outer circle who are not married. Even the unsavory, annoying friends are celebrating their 5 year anniversaries and their new babies.

Let me tell you about what I'm celebrating: I'm celebrating 5 years of living in my parent's basement with my now 3 cats (my boyfriend left me a cat) after being laid off from the same job twice. I started a relatively successful business, but now that I'm trying to expand my business I'm broke. No money for food, gas, clothes, ANYTHING. I couldn't move out even if I wanted. I'm embarrassed beyond words. When I hang out with my friends I feel beneath them, like a little kid. I don't even know what to do next to start living like an adult. I think about giving up my business, but everyone says I'm so talented and I've worked so hard I shouldn't give up now. I don't know if I'm about to make it big or if I'm about to spend another 5 years living in my parent's basement not able to afford anything.

I had opportunities to move out, but I wanted to wait until my boyfriend and I could get a place together. He was in the military and everything was always back and forth and so uncertain. We were definitely going to do it this time. When he got back in March from training we were going get a place together. Only he dumped me right before he left for training, so now I'm back on square one.

I know what you mean about birthdays too. I've never had anyone throw me a party, even as a kid, even though I throw extremely elaborate parties for everyone every year because I'm an event planner. Most of my friends don't even know when my birthday is because I wasn't on Facebook until recently. Last year I got this crazy idea that I wanted to do something for my birthday for once. I came up with an idea and started inviting people, but no one responded. It was very strange. After a few days my dad sat me down and said, "No one wants to celebrate your birthday because Louisville (our basketball team) is playing in The Final Four that day. Stop asking, it's making everyone uncomfortable." That is a real conversation I had with my actual dad. My boyfriend was so wonderful and offered to take me on trip that day away from our basketball crazed town, and I was so grateful. He was the only that celebrated my birthday at all. This year when I turn 30 during March Madness he won't be there. I know that I'll turn 30 and no one will be there. That will be a new low.

I guess this is not the pep talk you were looking for, but sometimes I find that when you're where we are, superficial sayings like, "it's not that bad!" or "Cheer up!" are more hurtful than they are helpful. Sometimes you just need someone to say, "I know what you're saying because I'm one of the very few, like you, who have actually been there, and you know what? You're right, it f*cking sucks." It does. But the other thing is that even though I'm a 30 year old woman-child with no money or prospects for the future and 3 cats I just keep trying everyday. I just try to do something every day even if I'm so depressed that I there's hardly anything for me to give, I try to do something that will move me a little further forward than the day before.

There are about 100 days until my birthday, and that makes me think, "Of all the things that I'm unhappy with in my life, what is one of those things that I can make a big change on in the next 100 days, so when my depressing, lonely birthday comes around, at least that's one thing that won't be on my sad list of complaints?" Maybe you could make a plan to change 1 thing in the next 100 days, so you're not just "watching it go by?" And when you accomplish it you can actually give yourself credit and say, "I did that! It was something that was getting me down, but I marked it off my list, and it can't get me down anymore! On to the next thing!" I think giving ourselves credit for what little we can and do accomplish when we're so far down is one of the best things that we can do. I think that once you start accomplishing things and celebrating those accomplishments that you want to accomplish more, and slowly our situations start to change, so in a year from now you can look back and maybe you won't be married or starting a family, but you'll be a little bit closer to it, and you won't feel like it's unattainable? I don't know, maybe?

Also, it's not cheating if you're not serious and you're on a break. I'm not trying throw that in your face, but if you told him you needed a break because you were about to get serious then you have take ownership of the results. I have a feeling that there are some other issues preventing you from meeting someone and getting serious, and that for whatever reason you're either scared or don't want to get close. I do believe that you want to get married, etc., but maybe your brain doesn't know how to let you do that. I think you should allow yourself to get to that point because you deserve it just as much as anyone else. I suggest working through your relationship issues in counseling. I never dated before I was 24 because I lacked self-esteem and had serious abandonment issues. Counseling helped me to finally get past that. You can go for a discounted rate usually if you find a university where the graduate students are working on their practicum. That's what I did, so I'm not judging you or looking down on you. Just one person who's been there/is there to another :-).

Take care of yourself. Just because no one else recognizes your worth doesn't mean you don't have any. You're just as good as the rest of them. I promise.