Giving up on life dreams, giving up on life?

[Circleunbroken]

I've tried to stay happy for too long, I've always managed to keep hold of something that makes me happy, but it always somehow back fires.

My life dream has always been to have a family, because I wanted to feel loved, and family meant love to me, I just never experienced it from my own. Part of that meant I wanted a girlfriend, after all that's pretty much the formations of that dream. Now I know I don't always talk to girls, after all everyone on my course at college are guys, but when I do I always manage to keep them laughing, I always manage to make them smile, and even when I do somehow manage to get her number or Facebook and talk to her for a few months, even when she's been flirting with me and I've been flirting with her, when I finally ask her out, I'm all of a sudden going too far. Which is the exact same reason why I feel how I am right now.

The same thing has happened with about 6 girls, 7 including the most recent. I visited my sister at uni, and met her housemates, I got pretty close to one and although I was making a lot of effort to talk to her and get to know her, she was the one who put the most effort in, which is the first any girl has ever done to me the first time we met. During the night we did get pretty close and did get a little flirty but obviously eventually the night ended and I had to go. I added her on Facebook and tried to talk to her but never saw her, so I eventually decided to send her a message, to which I got no reply, and my sister popped up telling me to leave her alone. All I did was try to start a conversation with someone I thought may have been at least slightly interested in me. But like it's always been, I've looked into things too deeply and messed whatever it was up.

However because of all this, when I was about 15 I decided to try fulfil a different life dream of my own, something I didn't want as much of the first, but what I felt would make me happy too. Which was to help people. But every now and then when I see the chance I do try to make my first dream work, to no avail as I've already proved above.

But because I know I will never get any form of compassion from anyone, I've kinda given up on life. I know I'm not gonna get far, yes I will eventually get a job but I don't see why life would be worth living for just a job. That's not me saying I'm gonna commit suicide either btw. I'm just hoping soon enough I will realise once again I ditched that dream for a reason.

Why is my life like this? It can't be a coincidence that all girls that seem to like me act like this towards me whereas the others just ignore me.

All I ever wanted was to feel loved, and the world won't even give me that. I prefer my dreams over my own life, and to be honest, if I had a chance to fall asleep and never wake up, I would take it.

[calmowl251]

I completely get you 100 %. I had the same problem when I was younger. I didn't have any self confidence and I barely talk to any boys at my school. I always tried to be nice and try to get them to like me but I never succeeded. Everything changed one day for me. I was giving up on find a person that cared for me and I really wanted to have a boyfriend. Well one day I invited my friend over and we were on Facebook and she decided to add one of her friends. I started talking to her friend and he was really nice and friendly. By the time It was September I got Hemiplegic Migraines and I couldn't go to school anymore because my whole body paralyzed for a month and 1/2. During that time he was the only person I chatted with and he was always asking me how I felt. One day we decided to meet in person and I am so glad we met. I am still sick and he always takes care of me. He helped me get back to school and I ended up with a 3.8 GPA last semester. Don't give up because you will meet her.