Why is my cheating husband being this way?

[Jessica]

Long story short my husband had a 2 yr emotional affair with his massage tgerapist and eventually left me and our daughter for her. They did not work out and he's since come crawling back. He says he realizes he was stupid, bla bla bla. Personally I feel like 2nd choice and he didn't end things she did. So I'll always have that hanging over me. He's even said if it had worked with her he'd be with her because he had already mentally left me, but now he feels we can start fresh and fix things. He says he lived a fantasy in his head about her and that wasn't reality. Problem is I feel like 2nd choice. I feel like this whore has one up on me. I know it's stupid, but it drives me crazy. I feel I only have him because she didn't want him. I asked him to send her a text basically telling her that he went back to his wife and that it was a mistake to ever pursue her that he loves me and his mind was mixed up. He refused to send it. This text would have made me feel I regained some power over this embarrassment. So after fighting about it with him I said fine. Then I did a joke by putting " I love Jessica" on his Facebook page. I wanted her friends which he is also Facebook friends with to see it and tell her. Well he freaked and called me stupid and idiot. This to me is a huge red flag. If he's done with her etc then why get so angry over it. What's the harm? He said its because he's tired of me acting this way and he knows I did it to be spiteful so she would see it. So what if I did? Am I allowed to have no pride. So my question is, he won't send the text and acted like that because he still has feelings for her isn't it?

[Blinky Jill]

He is using you as second choice without a doubt. Kick him to the kerb the same way he left you and his child and save your pride and self respect.

[Patrick]

you have right to be angry,try get some counselling with him if you can

[BrieBrie]

Come on. Why did you even take him back? Crawling or not you shouldn't have. You are his second choice. That is abundantly clear. He was unfaithful to you. he chose someone else over you. You're entitled to your pride yes. But you're the one who's hurting your pride. You allow yourself to be treated this way. No one forced you to take him back and no one forces you to put up with his crap. If you're really concerned about your pride DTMFA (look it up).

[Daniel]

marriage is something sacred to God, and you have a right to working out, or to leave him, the Bible does say that once he has cheated it makes you free to marry whoever you want, but also doing it right in the eyes of God, so I would ask him if he's ready to make a change your willing to work it out if he's not then you have to go your way,

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[TMan]

This is common with infidelity. More common with women then men. Men can usually separate the sex with the other women from the love for his wife.

Its likely that in the stolen time your husband had with this other woman tricked him into thinking it was love. As a therapist I always tell the unfaithful partner that an affair and a relationship aren't the same. Once you start a relationship from an affair you find a whole new set of issues, many worse then those in the marriage. So in that sense your husband is being honest.

Its not so much that your the second choice, as much as it is that he lost sight of how important you really are to him. He is showing signs of things that says he is really ready to make the effort in your marriage. Your feelings are justified, however wanting to hurt the other woman, who really didn't wrong you, shows that you maybe aren't ready to work though this and make your marriage work at this point. Give yourself some time, don't rush into it. Make him earn your trust. You do this by watching his actions and please stop playing these mind games. At the end of the day you won't feel better for it.

Good Luck

[Lanie]

I think it is, but I'm guessing you're already sure of that. It might be best for you two to spend some time apart. There are so many hurt/mixed feelings right now, that there's no way your relationship will get a fair chance, even if you both wanted to work on it. Take some time to heal and be happy on your own. It will also give him a chance to sort his life out and figure out what he wants for himself. If at a later time, you're both single and still interested in getting back together, then you'll be much more prepared emotionally to handle a reunion. If not, then you'll be in a place where you can move on with your life and hopefully find new and healthy relationships. Good luck to you.

[........]

Just by reading your situation I can tell that you know the answer to your question. The fact that he didn't leave her and that he refuses to declare your love for each other publicly are clear red flags telling you to get away from him asap. Even if you stayed together you will feel like second choice no matter what. You will keep him in your life you will end up feeling resentful towards him and towards yourself because you stayed with him. You will be better than him and the woman who broke up your marriage be leaving him and trust me they will know it.

[Carol]

I would get rid of him no matter how much you may want to make things work.
She got dumped him and I would be feeling like I was his second choice to.
He cannot even send her the text so it appears he worries more about how she would feel about it then how it could make you feel if he could.
He is not worth the stress and disrespect he only has given you.

[sonriel]

It will take many years to rebuild the trust he has lost. Any further communication with the massage gal is degrading and demeaning. Once you chose to give him a second chance it is up to him to prove he was worth that. Take the high ground on this because it is he who made the mistake and not you. But most importantly leave the affair in your past and stop the rekindling those fires with any type of communication with her.