I left a really ad impression...What do I do?

[Winter ♥]

In high school, I had really low self esteem, hardly talked to people, hardly went to school...

There was this girl, she's extremely pretty, so I felt really inferior and intimidated by her. Like she was so much better than me...She was really nice, always stared at me though...somehow we became "friends" we'd text all the time, but the problem is I'd ignore her A LOT. In person I'd act as if I'd never talked to her the day before...I just felt like I wasn't "pretty enough" to be her friend. I know that sounds so vain and superficial but that's how I felt.

I'd ignore her, avoid her sometimes, act really awkwardly with her. I could tell it confused her. Eventually she stopped texting me, started act kinda weird, ignoring me...Though sometimes she'd stare at me...

Sometimes I'd ignore her then the next time, I'd be annoyingly friendly...sometimes I'd act really pathetically by letting my low self esteem get the best of me... ie. being really passive, quiet, timid...It's pathetic. Whenever I act passive and like I have low self esteem it seems to turn people off.

She'd try to be comfortable with me and cool but I'd always make things awkward and feel awkward...

I hate that I made things all weird. I really wanted to be her friend but I feel like I messed things up...

The last time I saw her was the last day of school and it was so awkward...

She was so apprehensive and there was this awkward vibe...I was never sure what she thought of me anymore, if she liked me still or if she hated me now.

She sat directly beside me...I started most of the conversations, it was so forced... Obviously we had a weird relationship, we were both really shy and only really talked to each other when we had a reason to, or like we'd had to come up with really lame reasons to talk to each other like..asking about homework, classwork, stuff we'd talked about before....we never really had casual conversation cause we were so shy and...awkward.

So the only time she really talked to me was to ask me about something we had talked about before...

Then as the bell was about to ring for us to leave, she had got up and was standing by the door and I could feel her staring at me....

Then a few months later, we hadn't talked all summer, she texted me asking me about what she asked me the last time we talked...

We're friends on facebook, and surprisingly we follow each other on instagram...I'm surprised she even follows me back on IG...She never likes my picture or anything..

And for some reason, I notice she's at the top of my friends list of my page even though we've never spoken to each other on FB.

I just hate how things turned out, I feel like I left the worst impression. What could I do?

[Sandy]

Are you wanting to develop a friendship with her, or something deeper? There is a lot going on with you that you may or may not realize. Without knowing your history, I would immediately assume that something from your past has made you feel like you don't deserve to be loved. Whatever it is, you have to let that go. I've been there. It's called self-sabotage and it's a weird protection mechanism that we use to keep people distant so that we can't get hurt again. Like I said, I don't know about you, but I can totally relate. So, depending on what type of relationship you want with this girl, writing to her might be a good way to express yourself. It takes the pressure off, especially if you are worried about saying the wrong thing or something. Just have someone you trust read through it so you can see if it's interpreted the way you mean it, you know? You don't have to go all out in explanations and stuff. Just be honest to yourself and her. And if she writes back, don't over-analyze.