Is this parental alienation?

[Geri]

My ex and I split up when child was 1. Son is now almost 5.

He's an active Dad - 50/50 custody, pays support, insurance.

But he is not a good ex. He excludes me from everything. I think he wishes I would just disappear.

Ever since our split, I've wanted to do events (like son's birthday) together. And ex has said no.

Ex is now married, and I've seen on Facebook pictures of the three of them pictured together with Santa, at his birthday parties (they started dating when our son was 2), etc.

Recently I found out that our son (son told me) that he played on a soccer team and had swim lessons. I HAD NO IDEA! I looked at my ex's Facebook and saw a photo of his wife holding my son with his soccer medal. I was so upset.

As my son is getting older, I realize that he has nothing with us together - no pictures, no memories. I don't think our son sees us as a family - or ever will - and it makes me sad.

I recently asked my ex why he doesn't invite me, and he told me that we don't get along and he'd prefer to do things separate. He told me that he doesn't know why I am upset because he said he doesn't/wouldn't care if I didn't include him.

He told me to create my own traditions with our son, and to basically get a life.

When I brought up Santa and how upset I was about that, ex told me next year that I could take our son first.

As hard as I tried to explain, ex didn't understand that I was upset because I wanted to be there as a FAMILY. It's not about who takes him first.

I'm worried that my son will never see us as family. It will also be Daddy/stepmom there... and Mommy way over here.

Can I do anything in this situation? Is this parental alienation?
Merlin, I am not his father. I am his Mother.

As a Mother, I brought our son into this world and I feel like I should be included.

[â™ Merlin â™]

i dont think it is alienation no

didnt you think it would be natural that yoru son would have a whole life with his mother?
would you rather she didnt do anything with him?
why are you not doing things with him?


its perfectly natural he has swim lessons etc
i would have thought you would have assumed

you can still go see his matches and practice etc
but you do need to be a more active parent
YOU instigate something with him, get something the 2 of you do together

you are so set on showing a family unit
you will always be his father, but you are not a "unit" anymore
he has 2 family units
dont make this any harder on him
make it easier on the both of you

[sheloves_dablues]

Newsflash: You AREN'T a family... What part of "my ex and I split when the child was 1" do you not understand??

You are NOT a family. Your ex has remarried.. That is ONE of your son's families. YOU are the other one. You're crazy to think you should be having joint birthday parties. You're a nut-job to think your ex shouldn't have pictures taken with Santa.. He is 100% correct on this - if you want family traditions with your son, it's up to YOU to create them.

EDIT: As a mother you think you're entitled to crash your ex's new life because you gave birth? Oh good grief.. Man.. you've got some messed up ideas about your role as a parent.

PS. Parental Alienation SYNDROME is suffered by children. It's a psychological effect that can occur when one parent convinces the child that the other parent is somehow dangerous/bad/harmful to them as a child. Excluding an ex from visiting Santa is NOT alienation.

[devonian Rodders]

Probably not. Seems your Ex has set out to put the "Daddy" stamp on his son to ensure he remembers his childhood.

You can of course do things together with your son which are not covered by his Dad. This might include outdoor activities or even things related to computers, bearing in mind kids are very receptive generally to technology.

The biggest problem you have is discussing things with your son regarding his Dad and stepmom, as often innocent remarks can be relayed out of context. That asise, you can build a strong bond with your son by getting him to understand you are his biological Mom.

Not an easy task but well worth the effort.

[Hurricain]

He may not be a "good ex", but he is a damned good dad. And that's all that really matters. He no longer has any obligations to you...only to his son.

[Skyline_pigeon]

To be honest, I don't think it is parental alienation. The truth is, you two have split up, and he's under no obligation for you to be part of family events that he wants to share with his son and his new wife - in other words, his new family. I agree with you - it would be nice you you all did things together, and it would be healthy for your son, but you can't expect your ex to allow that to be the case.
Your ex is right in that you have every opportunity to do special things with your son. If you want to take him to a gymnastics school and enroll him in classes there, you can. If you want to take him to the zoo, you can. You have the ability to create memories with your son just as much as your ex does, and if you feel held back because you only want to do those things as a family, unfortunately, that's not going to happen.
The one thing I think you SHOULD tell your ex is that you do expect to know if/when he's going to enroll your son in sports, classes, etc. He shouldn't be keeping things like that a secret from you, he just doesn't have to have you there for everything.
I empathize with your situation. I really do. But he's really not doing anything wrong, so there's not too much you can do. Good luck

[Tartersauce]

Your son has two families now. One with the ex and one with you. There's no need or point to do things together. There's no reason to look to your ex to create memories between you and your child. If this is the way you've been pushing things, to do them "as a family," the ex has every right to keep this kind of information from you.

Although - and I think you would get a better result if you approached it from this vantage point - your son does DESERVE to have both of his parents there rooting for him. I have a feeling that if you don't make it about you being left out, there won't be a problem.

Find things to do together with your son. Take your income tax refund and take him to Disney World or buy season passes to the nearest theme park or other fun place. Get active in your son's life in a way that you enjoy. That way, you won't be as worried or as hurt over what your ex is doing with him.

Good luck!

[mmm]

you are no longer a 'family' - why would you create fake memories for your child?

you're upset that your ex has moved on with his life - why should he pose with you with your son when that is WHY you two separated in the first place

you can take your child to see Santa, you can enroll him in Swimming and you have the ability to enroll him in Soccer - all by yourself - you don't need your ex or his new wife to be involved

I'm sorry you don't understand that when two people never really had a 'family' to begin with -why pretend now?

some people are ok with taking family pictures and be fake - if you two aren't living your life as a couple why would you want him in the picture to begin with? why can't you take your son to see Santa on your own

let me try a different avenue to help you understand - if you had a new husband and your ex wanted to butt into the lives you two have created - you'd tell him to back off and get a life

I suggest you block your ex because honey - its only bringing you down

what he does on his time with his family is all about him - you have equal time to make memories with your new life - without him in it

I know you want to pretend that you two are still a happy couple and take pictures as a family - but honey - you're not a family any longer - that's why people split - so they don't have to deal with their ex on regular basis - so they can put the past behind them and move forward with their lives

your ex has moved forward with his life - and so should you

[Pineapple Princess]

Divorce makes things very tricky. You and your ex are no longer a couple and no longer a family, yet you still are obligated to be a partnership in raising a child. It hurts, but like everyone else here has said, you are no longer a family. When I first married my husband, his ex wanted to try and do things together as a "family." We did a couple things together, but it ended up being a horrible disaster. It confused my step daughter. I spent an entire day at the zoo carrying a four year old in 90 degree heat because she didn't like that her mom was intruding on her time with her "other" family. It was miserable for her mother. At one point she literally ran away from her while screaming and crying. She loves her mom, and we encourage that every time she's here, but seeing her parents doing fun things together when they are not a couple bothers her. You should be included knowledge wise. Your ex should tell you what your son is enrolled in. From there, it's your job to find out when activities are so you can attend, if you wish. You should not, however, go as one big happy family. You are each a separate family unit now. He's right. Come up with your own traditions and activities. Your letting yourself be pushed out of the picture by not playing a more active role on your own.

[NinjaMonkey]

Hi Geri,

I'm sorry to hear about the frustration you are experiencing in this situation. I know it can be hard to figure out how best to raise our children after a divorce, especially when we are not or have not been able to get on the same page when trying to co-parent.

There are some good resources that are available for parents trying to figure out how to approach these sorts of situations that you can find in these few articles (http://bit.ly/190q6bt.

I hope this helps a little, and that you are able to get everything worked out all right. Best of luck!