Need Advice oh Friendship ?

[Dianne Manisha Graham]

Okay I have been friends with my best friend Nick since we were 3 or 4. He recently go married and all of us warned him about his now wife. She isolated him from his parents and literally kicked them out of the picture for a year. I was able to get them to talk and they are now back in the picture, but that pissed her off. She said it was none of my business and that she doesn't think at this time it's appropriate for them to be in Nick's life. That was crazy to me because any woman who doesn't want your parents and sister in your life is prob no good. Anyway, I never told Nick she said this to me, I just got him and his parents to reconcile. He married her and now they are having problems.

Her mom and dad call him names. I have heard this personally. They call him "idiot, pussy, F**** moron etc). They got married in Aug and bought a new home in Setp.She got pregnant and he suddenly lost his job. He was making a good income and she didn't have to work. Now he works at lowes as an inbetween job. She decided to move out and go live with her parents. Everytime something is wrong, she run's to mommy and daddy which just makes them dislike Nick more and more.

Well anyway, his wife recently deleted many of his friends from his facebook. She called his friend Steve, Riz and Jay and told them they will no longer be in the picture! I've known Nick the longest and today I tried to talk tohim. I texted him and asked him if things were better and I got "yes, things are absolutely great! Never better"..I knew that was odd so I started asking him questions about the past like (who was your first date? Who hit you in 4th grade) thinks only I'd know. He answered incorrectly to each and so I know it was her on his phone..She is 26! I am 26..this is beyond immature..

She has completely isolated him from his friends and family and they are going to have a baby together! My husband tried to reach out to him and she told him to F off. What do I do??? He's my best friend. I don't know how to stay friends with him since I can't speak to him ever.

His parents called me upset, so we talk a lot. I got a call from his ex-best man Steve. He never stops by to his parents anymore, never calls them (he's not allowed to) and if he does go out to dinner with them (his wife has to be there) and she always finds a reason to leave early.

Anyone else deal with this?? How do my husband and I be supportive to him??
And I don't want them to get divorced. For better or worse, I just want Nick to be happily married.
That's a good Idea. I'll have to ask Stever or Riz if they can go see him. I moved to Fl so I'm about 1300 miles away. :-(
I would def like to see him. Like I said, I'll have to call his friends in NJ because I live in FL now. And they've dated for 3 months, moved in together and 6 months later got married..it's too early to be having this many problems.

Thank you for all the advice, I am gonna call his friends and try to do this.
and no we did not stop being friends because HE called me THREE DAYS AGO TO VENT ABOUT HOW SAD HE WAS! Then his dad called me the next day and his friend Steve today..

If we weren't friends, he wouldn't have called me to vent about stuff.
That's the thing, I don't call his parents. They call me or email me. His friends who are guys call me.

My husband and I thought about inviting him to stay but I told my husband it wasn't a good idea because she'll think we are trying to make him get divorced, which we do not want. It just sucks..

I know he has to make that decision for himself. I just think there has to be something my hubby and I can do? My husband tried to call him and his wife told my husband to go F himself. I'm mad at my friend for allowing her to speak to my husband like that. It just sucks.

His dad called me today and I told him what ya'll said..Intervention with his friends. Maybe that will work. If not, he's on his own.

[Abce]

i would break all my teeth, just to have him.. He is the only one i want.

[Sue C]

To call her a "witch" would be an understatemen to say the least!!! Is there ANY way one of his close friends could go "visit" with him where he works?! Have one good serious talk with him & let him know how hurting ALL his friends are for him, the situation he's in with his wife. I don't understand WHY he's allowed her to even come between herself & his own family. That to me is strange. They so badly need counselling, & IF she refuses to go, he then should go himself. He badly NEEDS the impute from a Professional counsellor to help him with his wife's problems. I believe she actually has a low self esteem of herself, therefore has done her best to cut him off from those who love him & who would be of help to him. How seriously I would suggest he go to a counsellor for his sake, for the sake of all those who love & care about him. She is literally ruining his life & taking away ALL his pleasures of those who mean so much to him. See IF just possibly you can talk to one of his close friends & see if they'll "search him out", even if it's on his job. Possibly they could set up a mtg. between themselves where they could meet & hash things out. Unfortunately, it takes ALL kinds to make up this world we live in. Just thank God we're not all alike, there certainly are those I'm glad I'm not like!! See what you can do, honey, I trust you can come up with just something that will be of help to him...best to you...

[Bluebell]

Love is blind but the neighbour ain't

[Jery E]

don't you have a life of your own to worry about? I mean youre getting a little long in the tooth yourself.

[MissSunshine]

Wow, I am so sorry to hear the things your best friends and his family/friends are going through, his wife sounds like poisonous snake. I had a similar thing happens to me except not to that extreme, my ex influenced me in such ways that I became disconnected from my family and all my close friends, I didn't even realize it was happening until I broke up with him, that is when I realized I abandoned all my friends.

How long has your best friend and his wife been together? It could be they are still in the puppy love stage, where the man/woman does just about anything for their partner, and it sounds like he is letting her control his entire life because she is his partner and he is too oblivious to see how much it hurts the people around them and him (even thought he doesn't realize it).

I think the best thing in this case is find out when she is not there and go see him and talk to hi, maybe bring his best man or his family member. What I would do is over the next few weeks try every attempt to see or call him, and keeps records of everything, when you called, what time and what the woman said. Tell his family and best friend to do the same and keep records of every interaction and if you can record your phone conversations with her. Ask his family and friends when they last saw him, and tell them to keep records of how often they get to see/talk to him.

When there is enough evidence you can either go see him at his work and find out when he gets off so that you can catch as he is getting off of work and bring someone with you (someone who was important in his life-family member or the best man) and present him with the evidence of what his wife is doing. Sometimes people don't realize it until the see the whole picture and he needs to see that his wife is manipulating him to abandon everyone who was close to him but her.

If you can't catch him after work, find out the times she is visiting her parents, you might have to steak out the house. But when you go to him you need to show every information and evidence you have gathered so far, show him how long it has been since he last saw his family and friends, show him how she makes sure he doesn't receive calls, etc. And whoever you decide to bring (the more people the better), you need to have a form of intervention, all write down what this woman has done to their relationship with him and how it affects all of them, and either read to him or give to him. And if someone can't come with you, have them write letters, in fact get one from every one of his close friends and family. Also when you go make sure you have a plan on how you plan on fixing this, give him ideas on how to talk to his wife and how to balance out his time between his family/friends and his wife. Make sure you explain to him you support him no matter what and you respect your wife and that you and others are just trying to get him back into your lives and not pull him away from his wife and baby. Maybe encourage more group gatherings, where everyone comes to see him for house dinner or outings or have him go out on one on one time with his buddies and do guy things. Tell him he doesn't have to abandon family and friends just because he is starting a family on his own and that you can all be his support system. He needs to be sure you are not gathering all against her wife, even thought that is sort of the case.

This is the best advice I can possibly think of, if those things don't resolve than there isn't much you can do except continue every attempt to see him, even if it's showing up as surprise. Maybe show up at his work and take him out for lunch, than at lunch schedule a time to meet next time, that way you don't have to go through the wife.

I hope this helps and I sincerely hope things work out for him and all of you

[dandls_99]

This is not your problem and let him deal with it on his own. As far as the parents that is also nothing to do with you stay out of it. Friends change all the time and did you ever think that he departed your friendship for a reason?

[kate]

Obviously, it sounds like a terrible marriage, but he is making a lot of these decisions too. The main ones being, to stay with her and to vent to a female friend. What I would do in your position, is to tell him that you're worried because of the reasons that you listed above, but that you aren't going to meddle in his marriage or try to be controlling (like his wife) but that you are available to listen if he needs to talk and that you know his other friends are as well. This would be easier if you were male, because you could offer him a place to stay if he needed it but as a female friend, that's probably not helpful. If you are 1300 miles away, you probably should back down a bit after this phone call and stop calling his parents. His wife is splitting him from his friends, but he's a grown man and he's allowing her to do that. Even if he calls you upset, he ultimately needs to make the choice to make the changes in his relationship or to leave. If he were serious, he'd do that. As an outside party there's very little you can do and getting too involved can end up with you painted as the person who destroyed the marriage, even if you aren't. I'm not saying this to be mean, I've just had a similar experience where I tried to help a female friend out of a physically abusive marriage. What I learned is that you can't help more than the friend is willing to act. If they aren't willing to act on there own, at a certain point, all they are doing is drawing you into the drama and using you as a crutch for them to remain without changing the situation. My friend stayed in her abusive marriage for more than five years after she cut me out of her life for "causing problems" and "encouraging fights". It was only when CYFD got involved because her husband beat one of her children that she realized that if she didn't leave, she would lose them. I agree that the situation sounds horrible, but he has to make the decisions to leave himself.