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(Writers) Do you like this short paragraph?
03-30-2014, 03:15 PM
Post: #1
(Writers) Do you like this short paragraph?
Hey, Yahoo Answers. Please feel free to criticize and rate. Smile
Ps. Please be aware this is fast paced and I will add more to it, thank you.

--------------------------------------…

The sun arose. Birds began to twitter and flutter over what was once a beautiful sky. It was now corrupted by the smoke that came from arena.

The fight still went on. Two dragons stood in an arena, with the cheers of thousands circling them.

They could barely stand up on their hind legs. They had endured too much. The wounds they encountered with the other dragons were starting to effect them.
Mark- lmao i did
Charz- Too much detail can be boring to a reader. Thus, making less room for the reader to imagine for themselves. I am writing in the style of Ernest Hemmingway -and no i'm not copying i have developed it.
In addition Charz as a writer, I avoid using adverbs as much as I can. I like to use strong verbs instead.

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03-30-2014, 03:25 PM
Post: #2
 
Not bad, I like it. Keep it up Smile

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03-30-2014, 03:30 PM
Post: #3
 
I'm not a writer, but did you forget the word "the" between "from" and "arena" in the first paragraph?

It's a good short paragraph, though. The short sentences do make it fast paced. Kudos for you!
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03-30-2014, 03:31 PM
Post: #4
 
Sounds good to me. It's a nice hook if it's the beginning. I can't offer you anything else since you know the problem and this isn't the final thing that you're ready to have people criticize.
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03-30-2014, 03:40 PM
Post: #5
 
haven't you already posted this? maybe it's just me.

I like it! it's really short but it's good. My favourite paragraph is the first one.

Edit: sorry,, i wasn't thinking. It was stupid to rewrite a piece of your writing. I agree that strong verbs can be much more affective than adverbs and too much detail IS sometimes boring, depending on whether you prefer to leave the scene to your imagination or whether you like everything explained to you so you can picture it perfectly.

I think it could still be improved and maybe you could create a little more imagery but now that i see your writing style, i take back my comments beforehand. Sorry!
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03-30-2014, 03:55 PM
Post: #6
 
It think it is a great idea and a great concept. I like how you give the reader room to imaging unlike SOME person he who shall not be named coughs *CHARZ!* yea its a really good book and I hope it goes far.
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03-30-2014, 04:09 PM
Post: #7
 
Overall I kind of like its simplicity and sense of mystery. It's interesting - it makes me curious.
I do, however, have some suggestions/comments:

1. I know you are trying to avoid dumping detail on the reader and I honestly can't express how much I appreciate that. (So many writers in YA do the opposite!!) However, I still think you need a bit more descriptive language just to steer the reader's imagination in the right direction. In some places your writing also sounds too robotic-like, so this would help avoid this.
For example:

"The sun arose, sending a vague hint of light across the dull grey sky."

"The fight still went on. Two dragons stood in the arena, the cheers of thousands encircling them. The dirt beneath their broken claws had been soaked with blood which continued to stream from deep gashes covering their scaly forms.
They could barely stand on their hind legs. They had endured too much."

2. Birds are usually active before sunrise, yet the way you have written it, it sounds like they have only just begun to wake. Maybe: "Birds flew tiredly over what was once a beautiful sky."

3. Within 3 sentences, the words "arena" is used twice. Try to change this by substituting it with some kind of description of the arena or use a different word (eg. stadium)

These are just personal suggestions - feel free to ignore any/all of them. Please tell me why you don't agree with anything if that is the case. I know my writing style still needs a lot of work also. Hope I was helpful.
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