How would you resolve this marital problem?

[Eccentric Dad]

My wife and I have always had a pretty dynamic marriage. When we first met, she was shy and timid; so I would show her all about the world that her farming parents kept her from. I introduced her to video games, to sex, to self expression, and to a few things I wish I hadn't... As the 13 years we've been together passed, she has developed the "self" that she probably would have when she was home with her farmer parents who kept her pretty recluse for the most part. But now that "self" is so self absorbed on getting caught up with the things she was neglected that there just doesn't seem like there's time for me...

If you don't know what the real problem is, let me explain it this way: Most couples that I know have a pretty balanced relationship - One runs, the other chases. Well my wife has been running for so long, and I have been chasing her, but she's either playing too hard to get to really build up my excitement, or she is playing IMPOSSIBLE to get because she's just not that into me and she's more into her saucy romance novels or her friends on Facebook...

Other married couples' that I know have a life more like this: They both agree they are going to spend an hour together and an hour apart; so they schedule time they are going to spend together (most people center this around tv, but I hate tv...) and then they spend an hour reading or playing video games... But that's now how my life works. My life is more like this: she entertains herself with no moderation to her indulgence, from the time she gets home from work to the time we go to bed, and I have to find things to do so that I'm not "rude" and interrupt her...

I've tried talking to her about her unwillingness to share her time with me and she says that I'm just "needy" and "clingy"... I'm sorry, but a husband shouldn't have to big for an hour of his wife's day... This is why I came up with the idea of ignoring her and having her come to me for once; but last time I tried this we went 3 weeks with no contact, no interactions (except ones children or money related), and no intimacy. I even took it to the next level and started sleeping in a different room; but nothing came from her. She was nose deep in a book or on her phone with her girlfriends or on the internet with her coupon websites or talking it up with her girl scout moms, or she was browsing apps on the appstore or she was watching netflix or she was watching tv shows or she was watching anime or she was listening to music... She literally needed NO interaction with me whatsoever. It was like we were roommates. I lost all companionship and sex was a laugh in the face since she was so "busy".... She wasn't rude about it, she's just convinced herself that she HAS to do these things...

A side story so you know: My wife did not socialize much as a teen. She lived in the city until she was 12 and then her parents moved her out to the country to live the country life... When she lived in the city she had lots of friends and she would play a lot with them; even need them to feel content and satisfied. But when she was forced to move to the country, all she had was her sister and brother. Her brother hated it so much that he moved back in with his Grandma who lived near their hometown. My wife was left behind then and went from being the neglected/ignored middle child, to the "you better not screw up" oldest child. Both her and her younger sister had to help with the garden and the horse stalls; which seriously deprived my wife of her teenage years. She met me online, a city boy 2 hours from where she lived, and I rescued her from her suffocating life; but now she's just too free spirited. I can't have a real relationship with a woman who is trying to play catch up with her ruined childhood.... But I refuse to give up; I'm just running out of ideas.

Therapy isn't an option because when I do have her attention (which does happen) she is a very stable and able person. It's just when she turns to her entertainment vexes.... And none of them can be joined because she prefers time alone.... She calls it introversion, but introversion isn't escapism. Introversion is looking inward at yourself and having a rich inner life; she's looking no where and just mindlessly self indulging.... Help?
I failed to mention that she and I work the same hours and make the same pay. So we both come home at the same time and we both have to be up at the same time. The kids are grade school aged so they pretty much take care of themselves at this point...

[Sam]

Well you need some sort of intervention, try and talk to her friends and try to find out the issues. is there something you could do together.

[wind_updoll]

I think marriages go through phases like this, but yours seems extensive. Plan a dinner date, nothing fancy, but let her know your plans in advance. Bring her a simple gift that you know she would enjoy. Try to be pleasant, and repeat this nice a week for a month. If nothing changes, have a game plan of where you want to be in 3 months, then have a conversation with her about separating.
Sometimes people don't know what they have until it's gone, unfortunately, and if you're opposed to marital counseling, there are few options,other than accepting it.

[Patrick]

Tell her how you feel and after leaving from work and have 5 days of clothes. When she calls you wondering why your not home from work yet tell her which hotel your at and why. That will get her attention. If she wants to sleep in the bed beside you let her. Im betting you will have make up sex that night and you will go home the next day. She just has to see clothes for 5 days at the hotel. It worked for me.

[ℓчşşά]

You give an ultimatum. She either recognizes your needs as a husband and your marriage or you are choosing other less desirable options. It sounds rude but sometimes people need a rude awakening especially when they can't care less about your existence.

[sheloves_dablues]

No.. introversion is NOT looking inward at yourself and having a rich inner life..

Introversion is finding energy and replenishing your "well" by engaging in solitary pursuits. Getting away from people and noise and "things" to feel grounded and balanced.

It's one thing to need quiet time and space, it's another to ignore your spouse and dismiss thier concerns as being clingy and needy. It would appear she isn't really interested in anything you're offering..

[Ju]

No time to finish that NOVEL you wrote but she doesn't need you anymore.

[Another Crone]

Try spending a lot more time with your kids. I think it'd make you happier. Grade school kids should not "pretty much take care of themselves at this point" and they do, for health and happiness, require that at least one parent be active and caring and focused in their lives. It might not seem that way, but its true.

[david b]

Only one word comes to mind to describe your wife. Selfish!

[swbarnes2]

" Most couples that I know have a pretty balanced relationship - One runs, the other chases. "

What? That's how dumb college students act; that's not how a healthy married couple acts.

"Well my wife has been running for so long, and I have been chasing her, but she's either playing too hard to get to really build up my excitement, or she is playing IMPOSSIBLE to get because she's just not that into me and she's more into her saucy romance novels or her friends on Facebook... "

But you thought marrying her was a good idea, so what do you think strangers can do about that?

"My life is more like this: she entertains herself with no moderation to her indulgence, from the time she gets home from work to the time we go to bed, and I have to find things to do so that I'm not "rude" and interrupt her... "

Again, why did you marry someone who didn't want to spend any time with you at all?

"This is why I came up with the idea of ignoring her and having her come to me for once; but last time I tried this we went 3 weeks with no contact, no interactions (except ones children or money related), and no intimacy."

I don't know why anyone older than 20 would think that was going to work.

"now she's just too free spirited."

Ridiculous. What you mean is she's not the grateful puppy dog she once was.

"Therapy isn't an option"

I think it is. I think it would help to talk out your feelings with her and a counselor. Basically, you feel like she doesn't want to be with you any more, because she doesn't interact with you ever, and she ought to hear that in a formal setting before she decides to let you leave.

I think you made a huge mistake in marrying her.